


Obligations We've Faced

by Basilintime



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Consensual Sex, Consensual sex later on, Coping, Dissociation, Eddie discovering what makes him him after years of not knowing, Eddie rediscovers himself, Emotional Abuse mention, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Healing, M/M, Medication, Past Physical Abuse Mention, Past Sexual Abuse Mention, Recovery, Self-Medication, but honestly what's a fic without a heavy dose of projecting?, figuring out how to love, has a happy ending, prescription drug abuse mention, so maybe I'm projecting onto Eddie a bit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:55:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21926326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basilintime/pseuds/Basilintime
Summary: Eddie leaves Myra. In a way, he leaves himself as well as she was the one who dictated who he's been. He has to come to terms with the knowledge that he doesn't know who he truly is anymore or what he may want in life. The only thing he knows for certain is that he wants to be with Richie. But happiness is harder to accept when you've live a life of obligation.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 14
Kudos: 57





	1. Who am I but a hollowed-out shell?

Eddie could remember being back in college. There had been some one-night stands and even some short relationships. Eddie remembered when his viewpoint on love and sex had all been drastically different; hopeful. It had been something to enjoy then, something mutual and exciting. That was a long time ago now. 

Over his time with Myra all of that perspective had changed. He hadn’t recognized it at first, the ways she was like his mother, though looking back he didn’t understand how he’d missed it. That controlling, that manipulation and how he’d been isolated from the few friends he’d had who expressed any sort of concern. He had thought that Sonia would hate Myra, hate having someone else who felt like they knew best. Instead, the two of them had bonded and become a united front. 

All of this was in hindsight. Eddie could recognize it now, in large part because of the memories that had come flooding back when he’d gotten that fateful phone call from Mike. At the time, it had seemed normal. He was married to someone who wanted the best for him, someone who needed him and who he needed. Who else would take someone like him? Eddie, who was sick and weak and cowardly. Myra wanted him, she needed him and took care of him. Myra loved him. Myra had wanted to have a life with him; to have a child with him. 

That had been one of the things Eddie had failed at though he was thankful for it. Part of him had longed for it but for all the wrong reasons. He had hoped that they’d find Myra was pregnant, that they’d have a kid and his obligation would be fulfilled. 

Instead, it became an expectation. A routine. And Eddie had come to think of their sex life as an obligation. It didn’t matter if he desired it or not, didn’t matter if he was in the mood. There were pills for that, Myra had planned out schedules they had to follow. If he didn’t want to put the energy into the act, she’d put in that energy for him as he laid there like a tool for her to use. 

And she used him. 

If he tried to say no there would be tears. Guilt and questions about his loyalty and love and _do you not want me anymore, Eddie?_ Pawing hands, insistent and demanding, pouting and persistence. If all else failed, he could be certain that the next thing he ate or drank would unexpectedly contain something to ‘help him along’. 

All of this made the impact of Derry even heavier in his mind. Eddie knew he didn’t want to go back to that once they’d finally defeated It. He couldn’t stomach the idea of going back to that non-existence as if he didn’t remember that he was braver than he thought. Couldn’t go back to it now that he remembered his friends, remembered Richie. Remembered the way that love could actually feel. 

It started out as a conversation with Bev while he was still in the hospital. The other Losers had finally managed to convince Richie to take a break, to let one of them sit with Eddie while he went back and got some honest rest in an actual bed rather than curled up awkwardly in a chair. Bev had been the one to stay with him and as they had sat there, Eddie jabbing a spoon at some jello he’d been brought as Bev sipped at a cup of coffee. 

“You’re not going back, right?” He had been quiet as he broke their familiar silence with the question. They’d all be concerned about Bev going back to Tom; she hadn’t hidden from them all the fact that the husband she’d left behind to join them here had been an abusive asshole like her dad had been. Eddie hadn’t realized he was really asking himself the question, hadn’t processed the similarities just yet even as he knew returning to his life felt worse than almost dying had. 

“No, I’m not. I can’t go back to that. Are you?” Eddie blinked in surprise at the question, hadn’t even felt there was a choice for him. He had an obligation. Myra wasn’t like Tom, who raised his voice and his fists to Bev, she was just too involved, too committed, too in love. 

_But you’re not too weak. You’re not too sick. You’re not in love...with her._

“I’ve got to.” He had said the words quietly, shook his head in dismissal of there being any other option for him. He knew, he understood now that Richie was an option. An option that was tempting for him to take but he couldn’t shake that guilt that felt like a knife in his chest. The fear that if he tried to go down that route, that sense of guilt would never fade away. It would taint whatever happiness that he found. 

“Oh, Eddie...you know that’s not true, don’t you? You deserve more…” Bev spoke quietly as if it was to convince herself as much as it was to convince him. Eddie had felt the tears well up in his eyes, closed them tightly in an attempt to stop them. No matter what he did they still fell and when he looked to Bev, he saw that she was crying as well.

“She won’t let me just leave. Myra...I’m all she’s got. I can’t…” 

“You can, Eddie. Tom’s not just going to let me walk away either but you can’t stay. You can’t let it continue.” Bev reached forward and took his hand in hers, lifted it to press a kiss to the back as Eddie took in a deep shuddering breath. 

“Bev, it’s not the same. Myra’s not...I mean, I know how Tom is from what you’ve said. She doesn’t hurt me like that.” Even as he said it, Eddie knew better. He couldn’t ignore it now, not after those memories of standing up to his mom’s emotional abuse as a kid. Sonia had done everything she could to make him feel small, convince him he was sick, feed him medicine he didn’t need and tell the world how fragile he was. And now it was Myra, constantly worrying, constantly demanding, constantly making sure he knew how much _he_ needed _her._

“Doesn’t she? Eddie, hunny, I can see it all over you. She might not use the belt like Tom but that doesn’t mean it isn’t abusive.” Eddie gave his head another shake; didn’t understand why he was defending her when he knew that he had no reason to. It felt like he’d lived two lives; the one he’d had for the last twenty-seven years where he’d never realized or recognized what his mother had done when he was young and didn’t see the parallels to how Myra acted now in stark contrast with the life where he’d known about the lies. 

Where he had realized that the controlling and manipulation wasn’t the same as love and care. Where he had those friends who had been more like a family for him, even with being erased from his memories for so much of his life, than the actual blood family he’d had. He knew that he shouldn’t go back even if it was to leave. That he shouldn’t give her the chance to talk him into staying for some honorable need to be kind. But he didn’t feel like he could make the choice to simply leave.

Eddie hadn’t been the one to make choices for himself for years. He hated the sense that he needed permission but that was precisely what it was. Before he had come to Derry to answer Mike’s call, he hadn’t been the one to make a decision for himself in all sections of his life. 

“It’s your choice, Eddie, but you can come with us. You don’t have to go back.” 

*

Eddie hadn’t gone back. It had felt like he was doing something wrong. The guilt had weighed on him like someone had tied a cement brick to his ribs and sunk him down to the bottom of the ocean. There was a chance part of that was due to the fact his ribs were entwined with scar tissue. 

He had passed between the different Losers for a while, playing a game of roulette as he worked his way through the divorce from a distance. He had started with Richie, the two of them awkwardly and purposefully avoiding the discussion about where they were going to go from here. Myra had found him though. Had shown up unexpectedly in Los Angeles in an attempt to convince him to come home. For them to talk. Even Richie’s presence hadn’t been enough to dissuade her and in the end they’d agreed for Eddie to go and stay with Stan and Patty for a while instead.

It felt like his choice was causing everything to fall apart around him those first few months. A confirmation that he shouldn’t have been so presumptuous as to make a choice for himself as the universe punished him. He had been forced out of his job before he’d even gotten out of the hospital for taking an unannounced extended leave of absence. He was out of the majority of the things he owned though, if he was honest with himself, most of the things he’d owned really were Myra’s and not his. He didn’t have a single idea what to do with himself and there had been more than once where he’d almost caved in. Had almost gone back just to find some form of solid ground once more. 

The Losers were the ones that helped him through it. They were there for him, never acted as if it was a burden even though Eddie knew it had to be. Every single one of them had been endlessly supportive until, finally, the divorce had been finalized. A part of it was that Myra wasn’t supposed to make an effort to contact him; something that Bill’s expensive fancy lawyer had helped ensure for him. 

With the divorce sealed and signed away, Eddie had found himself in that situation of making a choice for himself once more. He knew the others would continue to help, that they would give him as much or as little space as he wanted. He knew they wanted him to try and figure out what he truly wanted for himself now that he had the opportunity to take those steps. And so he hadn’t done anything. 

*

“Hey, mind if I join you?” Eddie had been sitting in the small window seat as he watched the snow fall outside when Ben had found him. He was with him and Bev at the moment in their ‘small’ cabin nestled in the mountains somewhere near Eugene, Oregon. Before this he had been with Bill and Audra, had left only because he hadn’t wanted to be on his own and they were heading across the Atlantic for another film production. He knew he was being a burden on them, knew that his quiet presence was likely the elephant in the room every time he shifted between them. Eddie didn’t know what to do with himself though.

He shifted without word to make room for Ben to join him and watched as he scooted in so they were sitting opposite each other, legs tucked side by side. Eddie made sure to spread the blanket he’d had in his lap across them both before looking back out the window. He gave a soft sigh, knew that Ben was there to try and talk to him. To try and coax him out of this shell he’d managed to shackle together around what was left.

“You doing alright, Eddie?” 

He could see Ben watching him out of the corner of his eye; saw that soft endearing concern. So, Eddie managed a smile for him. He hated making the others worry over him even if at the same time part of him hoped they’d be able to see it. That he was lost. How did he choose what to do for himself? Who was he now with more than half his life being a sham and the rest of it distant memories that he barely had managed to retrieve? 

“Yeah, just this damn cold making my ribs hurt. Figures, doesn’t it? I remember I don’t actually need all that shit after all only to get skewered and suddenly have legit breathing problems.” He gave an ironic little laugh and Ben just smiled at him; a little sad and a little knowing. Ben would fix him up good as new if he was a building and not just a hunk of flesh carrying itself around by strained pieces of sinew. 

“Do you think you’ll be okay here through the winter? I’m sure Richie would love to have you down there where it’s a bit warmer.” 

Eddie felt another little laugh drag itself up out of him. Maybe that one was a little bitter. The truth was, Eddie had been avoiding Richie past that first stint of staying with him. He avoided it for the exact opposite reason he did most anything else these last few days. 

The one thing he knew for certain that he wanted was to be with Richie. The one thing Eddie didn’t feel like he deserved was to be with Richie. 

“I’m sure I’ll be fine. Hell, it’s not like I have to drive anywhere to get to work.” Eddie was at least working. Nothing major and he didn’t know how he felt about the position aside from the fact that it was easy. Simple. Remote work giving market risk analysis for small independent companies. Nothing exciting but he didn’t have to think about it once his obligated hours were covered. Not what he wanted but what he seemed capable of handling. 

“Have you two talked at all? You and Richie?” Ben asked like he already knew the answer. He probably did. Ben and Bev both talked to Richie, he had heard a few of those hushed one-sided conversations and they made his entire being hurt the way the cold bit into his ribs. He was denying himself but it was all in an effort to spare Richie the truth.

Eddie wasn’t a person. He was an idea. Gold-painted cracks that hardly filled up the spaces. Hell, not even gold, twisted and touch scar tissue that was imperfect and still tender. Why would Richie want something like that? 

“Not lately.” 

“You should talk to him, if you want to. He’d like to hear from you, Eds, to know how you’re doing. I think he’s a little worried that he did something to make you upset…” Eddie frowned as he watched the snow fall outside. The house was set back in the trees so it felt isolated in a way that had been welcoming after so long having so much surrounding him. 

“He didn’t do anything wrong. I just…” 

Eddie shook his head softly. The last thing he wanted was for Richie to think he’d made some misstep or that his feelings weren’t returned. Eddie was the one to blame if anything. He didn’t know what had come over him, why he’d settled into this sense of emptiness when he should have been starting fresh. He looked at Ben who watched him with a kind expression, a quiet one that was soft and understanding.

“I don’t know how to do this, Ben. How to want things. God, that sounds fucking stupid…” Eddie squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to get a hold of his thoughts. 

“It’s not stupid, Eddie. You’ve been through a lot and this is a big change. I don’t know everything that you’ve dealt with over these last few years, just like I don’t know everything Bev’s been through, but I do know that both of you are stronger than the rest of us for making it through. And that part of that strength was learning how to mitigate the situation even when you didn’t feel you could get out completely. I also know that Richie loves you and that, whatever you decide in the end, he just wants you to do what’s best for you.” 

“Yeah...yeah, I know. I just feel like I can’t really offer much right now.” Eddie leaned to set his drink aside on a side table that sat just outside the window seat. He pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapped his arms around them as he felt young and lost and scared all over again. 

“I’m pretty sure I speak for all of us, Eddie, when I say that you are enough. Having you here with us is enough.” Ben shifted a little, scooting closer to him though he left some room so Eddie had the choice if he wanted to lean into the embrace he was offering or not. Eddie sat still for a second, tried not to let his tears well up in his eyes, and he finally leaned forward into it. 

Ben’s arms wrapped around him as Eddie curled up close, closed his eyes as he gave a shuddering breath as he tried to feel okay allowing himself something he wanted. To settle with that in his conscious. 

*

They were in his car but he wasn’t the one driving. Bev was behind the wheel instead as they made their way down the coast. Driving was probably not the best way to make this journey given the time of year but if he was going to move, he needed to be able to bring the last dredges of his possessions with him. The last remnants that he had held on to of his former self. 

Ben hadn’t come with them. He made some excuse about needing to get some work done but Eddie suspected that he was trying to give Bev and him some time alone. They weren’t aiming to make it too far today, had reservations at a place down near Coos Bay so that if they needed to take their time they could. The weather along the coast never swayed much out of the fifties not matter what time of year it was according to Ben but that didn’t mean ice storms didn’t settle in. It didn’t mean bad weather couldn’t happen. 

The phone calls with Richie leading up to this move had been awkward and quiet. Attempts were made to explain what he was feeling. That he wanted to be with Richie but that he didn’t exactly feel like he had anything to offer him. 

“You’re enough, Spaghetti head, just you. Whatever form that might be. I want you here and if you want to be here with me too in whatever capacity you’d like then that’s all I really need to hear.” Richie’s voice over the phone had sounded understanding and soft but Eddie had thought he picked up on the subtle tones of fear and anxiety mixed in there. 

And it had felt like permission. Eddie knew that was the opposite of what was being said, of what he was being encouraged to do. To make choices based off his own wants and desires without feeling like there had to be some indication that it was okay. But that gentle coaxing had been enough to break away from some of that nervous guilt. That fear that to make a decision on his own would lead to distress. 

So, he was driving down the coast with Bev in the car beside him and that tiny fraction of a person he didn’t know if he was anymore packed up in boxes in the back. The ocean was angry and grey as it crashed against the shore, trees blocking his view only to suddenly open up to white capped waves and misting spray against the rocks and sand down beneath the highway. He felt like the sea, all turmoil inside and icy depths. 

“We should almost be there. Did you want to look up somewhere to stop and eat dinner before too late? Or we could get room service?” Eddie blinked, bringing his focus back into the confines of the car as he looked over at Bev. The radio was playing but at a volume so low it was just soft tones that broke through the noise of the tires on the road from time to time. Ghosts rising up between the spaces. 

“Oh, yeah. I’ll take a look. You feeling like anything in particular?” Eddie dug for his phone in the center console where he’d tucked it away earlier. Felt both relief and disappointment when he saw there had been no missed calls. No Myra but no Riche either. 

“I wouldn’t mind if we could find a nice little local seafood place. Right along the coast here I know there’s some good clam chowder and crab. Would that work for you?” 

Eddie pursed his lips for a moment as he stared down at the screen of his phone with the map app opened and ready to search. Hesitated because he didn’t want to say no but there was the immediate nervous impulse that also told him that he couldn’t. He was allergic. That’s what his mom had said. Shellfish was an allergen and he couldn’t have it. Just like tree nuts. His diet had been carefully constructed. 

And yet, he also recalled a New Years where he’d snuck out of the house to sit and watched fireworks with the Losers at the quarry and Bill had snuck away some of his parents fancy snacks which had included little shrimp. They had eaten them, all seven of them mocking their parents boring adult parties while tossing the shrimp tails down into the water below. Eddie had eaten along with them, a rebellion that could have had terrible consequences had that been a true allergy. 

“Eddie? Hun?” 

Eddie blinked as he brought himself out of the memory to realize he hadn’t answered yet. 

“I wasn’t allergic as a kid, was I?” Eddie didn’t ask it because he necessarily needed the confirmation. He could recall when his mom started to tell him he was allergic. She had read something about the elevated levels of mercury in shellfish and had forbid him to eat it. Told him it was another allergy and that his throat would swell up and he’d die of anaphylactic shock. 

“No, hunny, I don’t think you were. Not that I remember. Have you developed one?” Bev asked but he could see with the mild look of anger on her face that she knew the answer. He likely hadn’t. Eddie knew he hadn’t but at the same time he felt scared to ignore all those warnings he’d listened to throughout his entire adult life. 

“I...don’t know. Fuck, probably not but I honestly don’t know.” Eddie sighed as he looked back down at his phone and started searching for places they could eat. The silence stretched between them for a few moments as the road passed. A slushy sort of rain started, hitting the windshield slow at first with small little cracks as the partially frozen drops started down around them. So much for never dropping below fifty. “There’s a place called Fisherman’s Grotto that’s not far from where we’re supposed to be staying.” 

“Eddie, if you’re not certain about the allergy…” Bev spoke a bit cautiously and Eddie felt that stir of panic again. 

_Don’t eat shellfish, Eddie. You have an allergy and you have to be careful. Seafood in general you should avoid, if you eat too much you’ll get mercury poisoning._

His mother’s voice was in the back of his mind once more. Reminding him. Warning him. She had warned him away from life. Warned him away from doing the things that Eddie had once longed to do so terribly but now seemed terrifying instead. It was joined together by Myra’s voice, carrying those concerns over, reminding him and telling the waiter at every restaurant the long string of things her Eddie couldn’t have. 

_Don’t you dare let anything on this list touch the surface his food is made on unless you want to be responsible for making me a widow._

“No, fuck it. I’m pretty sure I have an EpiPen if I’m wrong but I just...fuck it.” Eddie said, felt a wave of nausea at the thought. If he ended up being taken out by a damn soft-shelled crab then so be it. Eddie felt buffered by that re-emerged memory from when they were young. That reminder of rebellion had managed to stir some dormant bravery. 

Bev pursed her lips and Eddie worried she’d argue. If she said she didn’t think it was a good idea, his resolve would fade, crumble under any sort of questioning. 

“Alright, fuck it.” Bev gave a short nod of her head and Eddie felt the tension slip free as he hit “Start” on the directions. The slushy rain was still falling and she turned the windshield wipers on adding a heartbeat to those quiet ghostly whispers of the radio in their silences. 

*

Dinner had ended up feeling like a mild celebration. When the crab cakes had been brought out for them and Eddie had taken that first bite, they’d sat for a few tense moments to see if there would be a reaction. In those seconds it had been difficult to differentiate between his panic and a true allergic reaction. He had thought for sure that it was getting harder to breathe but there was no swelling. There was no tingling, need to vomit, itching or rash. None of the things he’d been told would happen if he dared to eat shellfish, peanuts, tree nuts, eggs and soy. 

And after enough time had passed even the breathing had eased back as he realized he was fine. Bev gave him a smile, a mixture of relief and humor as they both started laughing as the uncertainty eased. They’d enjoyed dinner, sitting at the restaurant looking out over the water where the storm continued to toss the ocean waves against the shore. 

Eddie had the thought that he would miss this, the craggy rocks and the dark green forests. It felt like a secret. Something he might long for once he was back in a city. Something that felt solidly his in that same familiar way his want of being with Richie was his. Maybe he was finding fragments of himself slowly along the way. 

They retired to the hotel room after dinner, the two of them in a single room with two beds to save money and give them a bit more time together. Bev had changed in the bathroom while Eddie did the same out in the main room; Eddie was thankful for his thick wool pajamas, a rich blue with pale pink florals, considering the chill in the air. Even in the heated hotel room there was that bite of cold that warned them things might be iced over in the morning. 

Bev padded out of the bathroom, hair in a messy bun that was already fall down and wearing flannel bottoms with an oversized sweatshirt he was certain she’d stolen from Ben. Eddie had marveled at how well she’d seemed during his time staying with them. He knew that Tom hadn’t taken her leaving quietly though with Ben by her side and his lawyers handling the divorce there’d been little he’d been able to do but sputter in fury. Still, she was strong and resilient in a way he felt he couldn’t emulate. She moved to sit on the other bed, facing him as she pulled her legs up to sit cross-legged near the side. 

“So, you’re not allergic to shellfish.” She said it matter-of-factly and Eddie gave a soft laugh though he felt a small sense of unease. He could tell she was preparing to talk to him about more than just him throwing caution to the wind and eating more crab cakes than was likely advisable. There had been a few of these talks; Bev always approaching him with care and once with Eddie quietly coming to sit with her when a letter had shown up in the mail from Tom despite his orders not to contact her. Same orders Myra had. Apparently, neither of their exes could listen to rules very well. 

“I guess I’m not.” 

“I’m glad. Is it okay if I suggest something for any other things on that list of potential allergens in the future, Eddie?” Eddie winced a little as he looked down at his lap, took a few moments to adjust so he was sitting with his back against the headboard of his bed. He knew it had been a bit foolish. If he had been allergic, he would have probably ended up in the hospital even with the stand by epipen they’d shoved into Bev’s bag before going in to eat. 

“Yeah.” 

“Maybe go to get an allergen test before tempting fate any further? I would have been more than willing to jab you with that epipen tonight if you’d been wrong but I don’t think Richie would have the stomach to play that particular game of Russian Roulette with you as you work your way through that list.” 

Eddie gave a quiet sigh, staring down at his hands that didn’t even feel like they belonged to him just then. He’d been almost giddy with elation at sticking it to Sonia and Myra and even to that small weak part of himself that had almost wanted to believe he was _sicksicksick_ because it was easier than putting up a fight. Safer. Still, he hadn’t fully thought through the potential consequences of playing chicken with what might have been a legit allergy. 

Maybe part of him was still back in the sewers. All momentary bravado that was secretly a desire to both save and free himself even if it meant a definitive end. 

He didn’t want to put Richie through the stress of having to drag him, barely clinging, back to life once again. He shouldn’t have asked it of Bev though if there was someone who might understand that need to throw himself against caution it would be her. And Stan. 

“Right, allergy test before I get too wild with food then.” He gave a soft nod and looked back up at Bev who gazed back with a sad understanding. She shifted off her bed to climb into his, curl up beside him and place her head on his shoulder. Eddie adjusted so he could fit his arm around her, rested his scarred cheek against the top of her head. 

“I know that sometimes it feels like collapsing in slow motion. But a controlled demolition of all that shoddy framework they built is better than losing your own foundation in the destruction.” Bev gave him a squeeze, arms wrapping around his center just below his ribs, extra care not to constrict on that scar tissue that already seemed to bind his ribs to tightly some days. 

“You get that one from Ben?” There was a note of amusement in his voice as he pressed a chaste kiss to the top of Bev’s head. A comfort to have a friend. To have his true family back. Bev gave a soft laugh, light and airy and full of love at the mention of Ben. Eddie hoped he sounded like that when it came to Richie. That his love came through so clearly so that maybe he wouldn’t have to necessary say words to get Richie to understand he really did share those feelings they’d danced around. 

“He is unsurprisingly full of architecture metaphors when he wants to be but that one is of my own creation.” 

“Well, that explains why its a shit one.” Eddie joked and both of them fell into laughter this time. It reminded him of times from when they were young, after they’d defeated It that first time in that space before they were all scattered out into the world, when Bev would sneak over on days when school was cancelled because of snow knowing that Sonia wasn’t about to let him go play outside. She’d sneak in through his window and they’d curl up in the space between his bed and the wall to play games and whisper conspiratorially about things. About how bad it had been recently with their parents or to solemnly discuss small crushes. 

“Well, can’t say I ever claimed to be the poetic one. Ben’s pretty much always held that title apparently though if I remember correctly, Eddie, you were quite the lovelorn wordsmith yourself.” Bev poked at him playfully, her mind clearly having gone to the same memories of those stolen days as well. “You going to share any of those with Richie now that you two have another shot?” 

“God, no. Jesus, forgetting that shit was the one merciful thing about the last few decades. That semester of creative writing was ill-advised.” It had been a short-lived phase, thankfully, but Eddie could distinctly recall some rather terrible confessions being written in a notebook he kept carefully hidden away out of sight during the time. Bev had been the only one he’d shared it, a nervous confession all its own as he knew it was clear who the poems were about, and all while his work for the class had focused on Pamela Anderson and other buxom women. He hadn’t exactly gotten a good grade at the end of the course. 

“I thought it was good! There was one that I really liked...something about the flight of a momentary approval or something like that.” Bev spoke the words with a lofty tone and Eddie cringed as the thought. 

He knew that notebook had been tossed, a fearful reaction when he’d been packing to move as Sonia had been going back through his things to get rid of what she felt was unnecessary. Childhood memories and small tokens from his friends gone ‘for his own good’. If she had found the notebook and read the contents within, well, Eddie didn’t want to think about what her reaction would have been. It would have ended up in the trash either way so he’d made the decision himself and those childish poems were lost. 

“To earn your approval sets me to flight; my heart threatening arrhythmia in its joy.” Eddie recited the words as they came to him and there was a pause between them before they both burst into laughter. Doubled over with it as they curled up tighter, a bout of joy that earned them an irritated knock on the wall from their neighbor. They both tried to reel it back in, Bev’s hand over her mouth as they sat stock still. The second their eyes met again they nearly lost it once more, barely contained another round. The last thing they needed was to piss off some vacationing Midwesterner. 

Bev settled back against him, both of them even closer now as they took some comfort in the familiar presence and stir of memories. Eddie leaned his head back against the headboard of the bed, closed his eyes for a few moments as he realized that some of the taunt forlorn anxiety that had seemed to surround him so often recently had abated. 

“God, Ben took that class with you, didn’t he? I should have realized…” Bev sighed quietly, that sense of adoration back in her voice once more. Ben had been just about as transparent as Eddie had been with his crush on Bev. Had written about a fire that burned so hot it became blue melancholy. Eddie was pretty certain Ben had aced their creative writing class in comparison to him. Granted, an ode to Madonna’s brasserie wouldn’t have won any awards. It had made Richie laugh though and that had been enough. 

“To be fair, Bill took the class too the semester before we did. May not have been the best way to judge who wrote you that poem.” Eddie kept his eyes closed as he felt some of the fatigue from the day pulling at his edges. He was pretty certain most of them had realized at one point or another that Ben had a crush but he had never acted like he wanted to pursue it even after it became clear the Bill and Bev weren’t going to go further than a single kiss. 

“True.” 

Bev gave a soft sigh that sounds like disappointment. Eddie wondered if they had left together, if the two of them had gone to college and spent their time as a couple all these years, if they would have still forgotten. How that would have worked for two of them in close proximity to have those memories fade? There was little doubt that the fracturing of their friendship had been an intentional manipulation by It; just as much as those lost memories had been. 

“How are you feeling about seeing Richie? Staying with him again now that things are final?” 

Eddie felt Bev shift slightly against his side, knew she was watching his expression. He kept his eyes closed as he frowned in thought and felt a dance of excitement and nerves. A bit of fear too. Always that hint of fear. 

“Nervous.” He kept the answer simple even if the emotions didn’t feel that way. He worried that once they were together, Richie would realize that Eddie wasn’t really worth it. That with the time and freedom to be honest about everything, Richie would discover the feelings he thought he had for Eddie was for someone who didn’t exist anymore. That sense of disconnect tried to worm its way into his chest once more. 

_Who was he now? What was he aside from a shell left behind? A shell left with the hollow ringing of years of lies. You’re sicksicksick. You’re brokenbrokenbroken. Only maybe he really was broken now?_

“Nervous good or nervous bad?” 

“A bit of both, I think.” 

_What if his feelings were different? Eddie’s feelings? What if they were broken as well by years of obligation?_

“Maybe we should head to bed. I’m nodding off here.” Eddie opened his eyes as he felt a familiar old fear well up inside of him that he couldn’t shake. He knew it had felt different, being around Richie again and the feelings that had laid dormant for so long rising to the surface in a hot panic that first night they’d seen each other. He knew they felt big and real, right in a way things never had with Myra, but they were also intimidating and overwhelming.

And maybe a part of that was simply having been away; from having been passed between the Losers in an attempt to keep Myra from once more showing up on the doorstep of wherever he was at that moment. He’d been with Stan and Patty, Bill and Audra, Mike and then finally Bev and Ben during the course of the divorce once he had needed to leave Richie’s. He had been transient and invisible and quiet as he did his best to stay hidden away. 

Maybe part of the reason this felt so overwhelming is because now there was nothing to stop them. He had wanted severed from Myra before he really committed to anything with Richie and, well, now he was severed and he had a phantom ache like a limb had been taken in the process. A festering limb, one that had been infected for a long time, but something that had been consistently there nonetheless and which he still felt the invisible awareness of even with it gone. 

Bev sat up as he stirred, shifted to signal it was perhaps time for them both to get some sleep. Eddie blinked as she brought her hands up to cup his jaw gently and she leaned forward to press a kiss to his forehead before she pulled him into a hug. 

“Don’t be afraid to find yourself, Eddie.” 

“I won’t.” 

It felt like a lie but Eddie wanted it to be true. He no longer wanted to feel the uncertainty of a life half lived. Bev pulled away but didn’t climb back into her own bed. Instead, they both tucked themselves under the covers and Eddie leaned to turn the light off to cast them into darkness where they curled up once more. He got the sense she was being strong for his sake as she felt small there in the quiet dark. He felt suddenly aware of all the things she avoided saying, the bruises that had faded but he knew they still ached for her as well. 

She had her own severed limb; a brutal one who only seemed to be held at bay by the presence of Ben. Held in check by the fact that someone, a man perceived as stronger and more vicious than him, had claimed her instead. A savage view of the situation and incorrect in ways Tom never needed to know. Ben would never lay claim to Bev; instead he had handed himself over completely. Fuel to help her burn bright and brilliant. 

“Don’t forget that you’re strong enough to kill monsters, Bev.” Eddie spoke quietly as he soothed his hands down her back. He felt her arms tighten around him lightly, a quiet laugh that carried with it just a hint of her own regrets in it. 

“Only because you all believe I do.” 


	2. My Claustrophobic Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie and Bev reach Richie's place after two more days of driving. Eddie finds himself full of conflicting emotions at being back. 
> 
> Since he'd last been to Richie's place, Rich has made some changes in an attempt to make him feel more at home.

It had taken them two more days to get down to Richie’s place. First they’d stopped just outside of San Francisco, had made the longest leg of their journey. Eddie had found himself standing out on the balcony of their room staring out over the bay with a melancholy feeling. The water had been calm, almost glass-like, where the hotel called the Lodge had set back from where the bay opened up into the ocean. He’d felt some sort of longing he didn’t fully understand standing out there; longing for a like that had never been. One he hoped might be starting now. 

When they had started out that morning, rising early to get on the road before dawn. Eddie had watched the sun rise from behind the steering wheel of the car as they made their way further south. Both of them nursed coffees and hoped that the early start might translate into missing some of the traffic. They had still found themselves sitting in bumper to bumper mayhem despite it when they reached LA. 

Now, finally they had arrived. The beach was visible now as he got out of the car outside of Richie’s. Down the street he could see a hint of the water; a shifted shade of blue that barely distinguished itself from the sky. Eddie opened the backseat to grab his bags, grabbed Bev’s as well so she wouldn’t have to carry it in. She’d be staying for a couple of days before making the drive back up north. 

That same melancholy tugged at his heart as he looked up at that gradient of sky and sea. He had never been one to go to the beach before. Fears of skin cancer, drowning or flesh-eating bacteria had only been echoed and repeated back to him by Myra. If he ever seemed to contemplate some invitation by a coworker or want to follow some whim she’d been quick to dismiss it. 

“You don’t have to carry all of those, Eddie. I am able to get my own bag, you know?” Bev stepped around the car to join him, reached down to take her bag from him with a gentle hand on his shoulder. Eddie blinked out of his thoughts and for a moment wanted to protest, had the instinct to insist to make sure that she wouldn’t get upset with him if he didn’t. It was Bev though and as he relinquished the bag she just gave him a smile and a quick peck on the cheek before starting towards the front door. Eddie shifted his own bags around in his hands to get the weight distributed a little more evenly before following along with her. 

His nerves were at their peak now as he looked up at the familiar house. He hadn’t been back here since he’d left to avoid Myra when she’d shown up. Hadn’t seen Richie face to face since then either which had been an avoidance he regretted now. Richie had changed a few things since he’d been gone. The wrap around porch now had a hammock pinned up on one side; large and decorated in the same floral pattern he seemed so fond of wearing. There also appeared to be some new curtains from what he could tell from out here as they stepped up and Bev gave a knock on the door. 

“He said he was home when you called to let him know we were close, right?” Bev gave a confused look as they received no answer. Eddie frowned; moved to try and look through the front window only to find the view blocked by the blinds. There wasn’t any immediate movement but he knew that Richie could be further back in the house. There was a small part of him that tried to jump to the worst case scenario. That side of him that wanted to see risk in every situation. 

What if Richie was hurt? What if he had changed his mind and didn’t want him here? 

“Yeah, I did. He said he’d be here…” He tried to shove the litany of things that could have gone wrong to the back of his mind as he leaned carefully around Bev to knock himself, a little louder than she had in hopes it would catch Richie’s attention. A small commotion came from inside at the second knock and a few seconds later Richie pulled the door open looking slightly disheveled and half asleep. 

“Hey, sorry I must have dozed off on the couch. I think I was a bit worn out getting everything set up.” 

Eddie felt his heart jump up into his throat at the sight of Richie who gave them an apologetic smile as he moved to let them step inside. As soon as they were over the threshold, Richie scooped Bev up into a hug, leaned back to lift her off her feet a little as he swung her around. Bev gave a joyful laugh, bag dropped just inside as she hugged him in return. Eddie tucked his own bags down carefully in the corner by the front door; looked around the entryway and noticed even more changes inside. 

Richie set Bev back down after a few moments, the two of them laughing though the sound of it died off a little as Richie turned to him. Eddie noticed a bit of hesitancy like he wasn’t sure if they should hug or not. Eddie wasn’t entirely certain how to handle this situation himself. Would it be too presumptuous to hug, to touch, to kiss? How exactly did you approach the start of a new relationship when it’d been so long since you’d last dated? Were they truly starting a new relationship?

“Hey.” Richie shoved his hands into his pockets as if he was trying to refrain from reaching out to him. Stood with his shoulders hunched a little as he gave Eddie a shy sort of smile. 

“Hey. Couldn’t stay awake for the fifteen fucking minutes it took us to get here since I called?” Eddie resorted to that teasing they’d fallen back on their entire life. Moved to close the front door so that it wasn’t standing wide open for everyone and the world to see through. He knew that sometimes Richie had people outside attempting to snap pictures at a moment’s notice. Had a suspicion that had been part of how Myra had found them before. 

“Hey, I spent the last few days making certain this place was sanitary enough to pass your standards, Mr. Clean. Not to mention I got some new furniture delivered.” 

Richie scoffed at him lightly, the effect somewhat ruined by his clear attempt not to laugh. They shared a small moment of eye contact before Richie turned to Bev almost like he remembered she was there suddenly. 

“I’ve got you set up in the spare room, Ringwald. I know it probably doesn’t live up to Ben’s hand carved cabin in the woods but I think it will be comfortable enough.” 

“I’m sure it’s just fine, Tozier. Where’s it at? I might go and get settled in for a bit. It was a bit of an early morning to make sure we gone down here.” Bev had carefully retrieved her bag and glanced between the two of them as she made her reason to excuse herself. Eddie dropped his eyes down to the floor for a moment as he felt all those nerves and anxiety rise to the surface to mix with the honest joy he felt at seeing Richie again. 

“Oh, yeah. Up the stairs and to the right. You’ve got that?” Richie pointed towards the Bev’s bag, held a hand out as an invitation for her to hand it over if she wanted him to carry it. 

“No, I’ve got it. I might borrow your washing machine and dryer later though.” Bev shook her head and gave them both a knowing smile. Eddie noticed a slight flush in Richie’s face as he glanced back at him. 

“Yeah, laundry away. It’s down here but in the back through the kitchen. It ‘should’ be empty but I can’t promise I haven’t left shit in there.” 

I think I can handle it. I’ll check in later so we can figure out what to do for dinner.” Bev started up the stairs, gave them both a wave before she stepped out of sight. He knew she was likely a bit worn out, they had gotten up early to head down here, Eddie taking that first shift of driving as they both nursed cups of coffee. He also knew that she wanted to leave them alone together, give them a chance to catch up. 

The two months that he had previously spent with Richie had been a careful dance between them. Both of them had flirted along that line that seemed to stand in their way. It was the happiest that Eddie had felt in a long time; that well of love and adoration he’d felt in his presence even when they’d been bickering had been unfamiliar and alien to him. Now it felt even more so and Eddie knew that was, at least in part, because he felt they could actually take those next steps together if they wanted to. 

And he did. Eddie couldn’t imagine anything he wanted more at the moment than to be with Richie. He just hoped that Richie felt the same; that spending so much time apart had made Richie realize that he was too much of a mess to deal with. He knew that things hadn’t been great when he left to stay with Stan. They’d both been upset and a bit shaken; Eddie had been a bundle of nerves wound so tight he’d barely felt human. 

“So, you got new furniture? If I remember right it’s about fucking time.” 

Eddie’s words didn’t match up with his feelings as he gave a soft smile. He wanted them to return to that natural state again; wanted to lean into the light-hearted and simple place they’d been before. He knew he was still a mess but he had a better handle on things now. Didn’t have the worst of the complications in his life still clinging on to him. 

“Well, I had to try and make the place feel gayer, you know? It was a fake-straight disaster in here before now.” Richie grinned at him lightly, stepped a little closer and Eddie felt those butterflies rise up in his chest. Felt as if there was a string that pulled the two of them together. 

“Well, if it’s to make the place gayer I can’t really argue with that though I can’t say I have a lot of confidence in your decoration sense. I hope it doesn’t look like a surf shop vomited all over the place.” He worked up enough courage to take a step in Richie’s direction himself. To reach out and straighten out the hem of his shirt where it had bunched up a little. It was a wrinkled mess but he knew that Richie didn’t know what an ironing board even was so that was barely a surprise. 

“Oh, Eds, just you fucking wait for the tour. It’s floral patterns everywhere, fake sunset mural on the bedroom wall. It’s pretty much a Margarita Ville in here. Jimmy Buffet would feel right at home. The only thing that’s missing are some pink flamingos for us to decorate the yard with.” Richie’s smile relaxed; turned just a bit warmer and more genuine at the small contact between them. Eddie didn’t want to disappoint him for the world. Hoped that he wouldn’t; that this would be something that would work. 

“Well, I hope you and Jimmy Buffet have a very happy life together. I think I’m going to tell Bev that I’ll be heading back with her. I don’t think I can handle that much bad taste in one place.” He made sure it was clearly a joke by stepping just a fraction closer; fingers still toying with the hem of Richie’s shirt. Richie reciprocated, reached forward to brush some sort of imaginary fuzz from his shoulder. 

“Please, you love me so who here has the bad taste?” Richie stepped close enough to him to slip his arms around Eddie’s waist. It felt like permission and Eddie let himself sink into his hold and wrap his arms around Richie in return. 

“I do, clearly, because I do love you despite myself.” Eddie muttered the words, felt all that well of emotion rise up to choke up his voice. Some of those emotions felt right in the moment; the excitement and love and happiness that flooded through him. Some felt like lingering decay that was out of place; the sense of lost time, sadness and a hint of fear. Fear that had roots that reached deep into his bones. 

He selfishly let himself bury his face against Richie’s shoulder, closed his eyes tightly in an attempt to keep a hold of himself. He didn’t want to break down on Richie the second he was in the door. Didn’t need to show that he really was still toeing that line of stability so immediately. He took a deep breath, took in the soft scent of fabric softener and something that almost reminded him of tomato plants of all things. 

“I love you too. Guess we’re even then, huh?” Richie spoke close to his ear, tone soft and quiet and full of that shadow of love that he’d heard in the sewers. That he’d heard when Richie had told him he was braver than he thought. He knew how Richie meant it now; knew that it really was love he heard. 

Eddie didn’t want to let go, wanted to listen to the beat of Richie’s heart and the sound of his breathing. Some of that chatter in the back of his mind faded as he counted the beats. Eased some of his fears for the time being as he let himself just be happy that right now, they were together. 

Eddie did wonder why he had put this off as long as he had. He knew exactly why but it was a little easier to try and pull away from those insecurities when Richie’s lips pressed lightly against his temple. Easy to brush aside the concerns of being not enough, being too much or just not being what Richie wanted. The worries that the truth of all those years spent with the expectation that he’d never step out of line, never voice an opinion that strayed too far from what he’d been told, would color this in a bad light eventually. 

“We should probably get your bags upstairs; let you get settled in too. Unless you’d like the grand tour of Margaritaville now?” He felt the rumble of Richie’s voice, heard him speak as his breath brushed against his neck. Despite his words, Richie had made no move to let him go and they stood there for a few more moments before Eddie reluctantly pulled back. 

He knew they couldn’t stand there in the entryway for forever no matter how tempting it was. He also knew that the early morning was catching up to him as much as it likely had caught up with Bev. Still, he wanted a little bit longer. 

“I guess it’s better to get the horror over with first. Then we can carry everything upstairs.” 

Eddie grimaced as if the thought of taking a tour of the newly decorated place was a painful thought. Richie gave him a wide grin in return; he clapped his hands together excitedly and moved to start out of the entryway into the living room. Eddie followed behind, not certain just what he was going to see given the room had looked the very picture of a bachelor’s pad last time he’d seen it. 

It...wasn’t as bad as Eddie had feared. Honestly, it looked damn nice overall. There were definitely some floral prints but it looked more ‘Boho Beach’ chic rather than an over the top Margaritaville. The couch was an off-white with a larger powder blue flower pattern on it. The coffee table with its glass top was the same as had been there before as were the bookshelves but the living room had been given a fresh coat of paint and the former carpet had been replaced with hardwood laminate with a large area rug the shape of a sea turtle. 

“What do you think?” Richie asked, holding his arms out like he was Will Smith showing off his wife. He was earnest in his question; watched Eddie closely for his reaction. 

Eddie frowned a little, shook his head as he looked around like he didn’t approve. He could only keep the act up for a few moments, felt too bad at the thought of making Richie think he hated it. Because he definitely didn’t hate it. It felt a little more sterile than he expected of Richie but he understood that part of that sterility was for him. An attempt to make the place less ‘bachelor’ and more ‘couple’. 

“Yeah, Jimmy Buffet would love this fucking place.” Eddie crossed his arms as he turned to look at Richie who had deflated just slightly. “Luckily, I was wrong and the guy happens to have good taste. Did you hire an interior decorator or do you just have a secret talent I didn’t know about?” 

The smile that blossomed on Richie’s face as he seemed to process the comment made Eddie’s heart skip a few beats. 

“The decor is all me, asshole. Well, maybe with a little help from a friend who happens to have a good eye for things. I’m glad you like it; would have sucked to have to replace it all right away.” Richie pinched his cheek lightly, more of a caress than an actual pinch but still that teasing attempt to be annoying that he’d repeatedly done when they were kids. 

“Just show me the rest of the house, fucker.” Eddie laughed as he swatted Richie’s hand away. In response, Richie took hold of his hand and there was a quiet moment where they linked their fingers together. Richie gave him a wink before he turned to start leading the way through the rest of the downstairs. 

They continued to hold hands as they walked through the kitchen and dining room and the small office that Richie had decided to dub the ‘reading room’ despite there not being a bookshelf in sight inside it. They only let go once they were ready to head upstairs. Pulled apart so they could each grab a bag to carry. As they made their way upstairs they heard Bev’s voice through the door of the spare room as she talked on the phone. Eddie didn’t even have to question to know she’d be talking to Ben; checking in with him and letting him know they’d arrived. 

“Jesus, Eds, what do you have in this thing? Rocks?” Richie complained as he shifted the bag he carried in his hand. Eddie rolled his eyes, knew there wasn’t anything _that_ heavy in the bag. 

“Maybe if you took even a second to do some strengthening exercises, you’d actually handle carrying a bag of clothes.” Eddie reached to take the bag from him and Richie pulled it away with an offended look. Hugged it to his chest rather than carrying it by the handles. It forced Eddie to be the one to push the bedroom door open when they reached it and when he stepped inside it was clear Richie had made a lot of changes here as well. 

Last time, Eddie had stayed in the spare room but he’d seen Richie’s room enough times to notice all the things that had been done. Even if he hadn’t been aware of what the room had looked like before, it was obvious that the decorations in here matched the rest of the house a little too well not to have been a part of the change. 

“You didn’t have to do all this, Rich.” Eddie set his bag aside, looked around the space that had previously had clothes scattered across the floor and a mattress and box spring that just sat on the carpeted floor. 

Now, the bedroom had those same laminate wood floors with another large area rug (this time a simple circular rug with a pattern on it). There was a new king-sized bed with frame and headboard. The walls had clearly been repainted, an extra dresser added that had a sticky note stuck to the front of it with _Eddie’s_ scribbled on the front. The rest of the room didn’t have much in it; was fairly open aside from a few decorations or pieces of furniture that had carried over. 

“Yeah, yeah I did. I wanted to make sure it felt like a place you were welcome. And, I want you to help finish where things have been left. I...sort of want this to feel like us moving in together more than you moving into my place.” Richie had set the bag he’d carried aside and stood back in the doorway like he was a bit nervous about coming in. He shoved his hands into his pockets like he had downstairs, that same sign of nervousness that Eddie recognized. 

“Thank you, Richie. It’s more than I could have asked for.” Eddie stepped a little further into the room; could see the door that led into the master bath but it was closed too far to see if there’d been any work done in there. “How long have you been working on this? A lot of this isn’t just...weekend cleanup. The floors alone would have taken a lot of time.” 

“Not _that_ long. Just...since you left. I tried to do it myself first, did a decent job in the spare and the reading room but knew it was going to take me too long if I was going to get it done sometime this decade, so then I hired some people to do the rest of the place for me.” 

Richie shrugged softly, was clearly doing his best to make it sound like a small task but Eddie knew better. He knew that to get two rooms done on his own would have been a lot of work. The rest would have taken a decent amount of time even after he’d hired people. 

Eddie felt a small sense of awe at the thought that, even after he left in such a messy way before, Richie’s apparent first instinct was to try and get the place set up for when he returned. Not even just set up but do major changes for him. He felt that overbearing emotion once more, hated it a little as he tried to clear it out of his throat. He felt something touch his hand and glanced down to see Richie had reached out to him; had grazed his fingers along his palm in a question. 

Eddie took hold of it, tugged Richie closer to him so he could wrap him up in another hug. Richie gave a soft chuckle, pressed the ghost of a kiss to the top of his head. They were still dancing around it, close but not quite facing it head on. Eddie tried to pull together that courage, wanted to take them both diving into it head first. He couldn’t quite muster it together, just held onto him tightly so that Richie knew he wanted to make this dance. 

“I’m glad you like it, Eds. I needed to do something after you left, something to distract me from the fact that you were gone.” 

Eddie could hear the emotion in Richie’s voice as well, a mirror of that distance and longing in his chest. It helped bring that desire even further up to the surface and Eddie decided to hell with it. He tilted his head back and let his lips brush against Richie’s for just a moment to see if they were on the same page. When Richie leaned into it, reciprocated it with a soft sound of surprise, Eddie pushed himself up on his toes so he could really press into it. 

Kissing Richie felt different than it had ever felt like kissing Myra. It had always been a chaste obligations, it had never brought up this heavy twist of wanting that Eddie’s instinct was to shy away from. He parted his lips, let his tongue press against Richie’s lips experimentally and felt him respond in kind. It was slow and tentative as they both took the time to try and explore, test how they fit together in this way. 

Eddie had the momentary thought to move further but the second his mind landed on idea, one that Richie seemed to share if the feel of his hands on his lower back holding them tightly together meant anything, a sense of nervous fear twisted in his gut. A reminder of all those times the press of someone against him had been an unwanted factor, a demand or obligation he caved to with a sense of unease. 

He tried so hard to focus on the good, the way Richie tasted just a little bit like licorice. How he parted his lips for him, willing and pliant and eager. The comforting feel of Richie holding him, warm and encompassing and strong, that warred with that sense of nerves. 

Eddie pulled back as it got to be too much, too many emotions all at once. He didn’t pull away from Richie entirely, ducked his head down so his forehead could rest against Richie’s collarbone. He squeezed his eyes tightly, hands knotted in the fabric of Richie’s shirt for a moment. 

“Everything okay, Spageddie?” Richie sounded worried, nervous himself and Eddie nodded his head to reassure him even though he hardly felt okay. He was disappointed in himself, frustrated at the knowledge that if he pushed too far too fast that he’d likely drive himself into a panic. 

Eddie didn’t understand it all, had hoped on some level that this would all fall away. He understood why he’d felt nervous and resistant in his former marriage. It had been a simple thing to identify knowing he wasn’t happy with Myra, knowing that he didn’t feel that attraction to her despite their marriage. He didn’t understand why it rose to the surface with Richie as well. He loved him; had loved him for such a long time without even remembering him. It felt almost like he had been tuned to respond this way. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry, it’s…I’m just a bit worn out, I think.” Eddie made the excuse, felt the words like cotton in his mouth as he felt angry at himself. He tried to walk through it all in his head; that this response _was_ because he’d been made to feel like his own desire wasn’t necessary. That his own agency had been removed in all aspects of his previous relationship. 

“Why don’t you lie down? Get settled and take a rest.” Richie spoke softly to him, nudged him towards the bed before shifting back towards the door. Put that distance between them once more and Eddie felt conflicting emotions at the thought of being left on his own. 

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch, you know.” It was a small rebellion, a risk he made himself take in an attempt to chase his own happiness for once. Richie gave him a questioning look, hesitated near the door as if waiting for Eddie to change his mind. 

“You sure?” 

Was he? Eddie made himself look fully at Richie, to really feel what he was feeling for him. The thought of being able to curl up with him each night; to fall asleep curled around Richie or wrapped up in Richie’s arms, sounded like something that would ‘spark joy’ to quote one of his favorite people. Joy was something he felt was in short supply until recently. He didn’t want to mistakenly make Richie feel like it was an expectation. Didn’t want to be asking too much. 

“Yeah, I’m sure. If you’re okay with that?” 

“Oh, Eddie my love, I can’t imagine anything that I’m more okay with than that.” 

That relaxed stance returned in Richie as his hands came back out of his pockets and he crossed his arms and leaned against the doorframe instead. Still didn’t seem like he knew whether he wanted to stay or let Eddie have time to rest on his own. Eddie moved to the bed, sat on the edge of it and noted how comfortable it felt as he moved to take his shoes off. 

“Are you going to lurk in the doorway or come in and take a nap with me, Frankenstein?” Eddie got his shoes carefully pulled off, set them tucked up against the side of the bed where they’d be easy to find but not likely to trip him up later. 

“You do realize that Frankenstein was the doctor and not his creation, right?” Richie teased as he moved back into the room, nudged the door partially closed so that the room was a bit darker inside. He moved to stand in front of Eddie, leaned down to press a kiss against his lips again. That same small flutter of excitement rose up in his chest as he reached to tug at Richie’s shirt. He forgot for a second that cloying feeling as he scooted further onto the bed, held the collar of Richie’s shirt so he’d move with him. 

Richie moved with him; let Eddie lead him until they were both on the bed, Richie half in his lap. Within moments Eddie felt claustrophobic, felt a sick feeling of fear settled in his gut. He pushed lightly against Richie’s chest and felt relieved that he responded by pulling back. 

Eddie took a deep breath, closed his eyes as he laid back on the bed and pressed his hands over his face as he tried to pull all that back under control. Tried to wheel it all in so that he could try to explain. Twice now. Twice he hadn’t been able to ignore it.

“Sorry, I forgot. Dr. Frankenstein _is_ the real monster.” 

Richie tried to break some of that tension for them as he joked. Eddie knew he likely didn’t fully understand what was going on. Was a little scared Richie thought he wasn’t sure he actually wanted to be with him given that was about as far from the truth he could get. He felt the bed shift a little once more as Richie sat down next to him. Eddie peeked out from between his hands; saw the way Richie’s shoulders were hugged in towards his ears, head bowed a little. Ways to make himself smaller. 

“You don’t have to be sorry. I always knew that reading comprehension wasn’t your strong suit.” Eddie took a few more deep breaths until that tension between his ribs faded away and he pulled himself up to sit. He leaned against Richie’s side, rested his head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I just...maybe we just need to make sure we’re taking it kind of slow. Not that you don’t know this already but I’m a fucking mess.” 

Eddie hoped he wouldn’t leave. Wished he’d been able to keep a hold of his emotions; to keep his own reactions aligned with the way he was feeling. Richie put his arm around Eddie’s shoulders and they sat leaning against each other. 

“I can do slow. You still want me here for naptime?” 

“Absolutely.” Eddie traced his finger tip across a tear in the knee of Richie’s jeans. Pre-torn bullshit, he never understood why you’d buy pants that are already torn up. Richie gave a determined kind of nod before giving Eddie a small squeeze before he pulled away; moved to pull the covers back on the bed and patted a spot for Eddie to lay down.

Eddie shifted and slid beneath the sheets, watched Richie as he moved to climb into bed with him. Richie kept some space between them as he laid down on his back; Eddie turned on his side to watch him as Richie closed his eyes. He scooted a little closer, reached over to gently pull Richie’s glasses off to fold up and put on the side table.

“You know I can’t see shit without those, right?” Eddie rolled his eyes a little, moved to lie back down even closer to Richie this time. Close enough to curl up on his side next to him, rested his head against Richie’s shoulder. 

“We’re taking a nap, dumbass, you don’t have to see shit. I don’t want to be responsible for rolling over and breaking your glasses because they fall off your damn face.” They moved together then, shifted until they were carefully slotted besides each other. Richie’s arm tucked under his neck and wrapped around his back. Eddie’s hand rested against his chest, head on his shoulder where he could hear the fast but steady beat of Richie’s heart. 

“Maybe I want to be able to see your cute face, jackass. I’m pretty sure those glasses are indestructible anyway.” Richie mumbled the words and Eddie heard them reverberate around his chest. Heard the tenor of it, felt the vibration of it and small details of it that he likely couldn’t have heard any other way. 

“Just go to sleep, Richie.” Eddie laughed softly, relaxed into place there in the dark. He closed his eyes and tried to let that weary fatigue pull him under. To let the long drive and early morning weigh down on him in a way he hadn’t been willing to before now. Eddie hoped that it would drag him under into sleep quickly so that his mind couldn’t latch on to and dwell on all those insecurities. That he wouldn’t lie there rehashing all the ways he’d screwed up the first day of their reunion.

“I love you.” Richie muttered it in a whisper this time, his own voice already heavy with sleep. Eddie wondered how much he’d done that morning, how much had been a last minute rush to make sure things were perfect for him. They would have been perfect even if Richie hadn’t changed a thing. Eddie was the imperfection in this place.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments are always appreciated. <3


	3. Third Times a Charm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie, Eddie and Bev spend their first evening all together.

Eddie had slept far longer than he had expected to and he woke up with the sun low in the sky; shadows stretched across the bedroom as an orangish glow crept through the blinds. He also woke up alone; Richie’s side of the bed empty but still a mess to signify he’d been there to begin with. Eddie pulled the blankets around him a little tighter for a few seconds and just breathed deep. It was to ground himself in the moment and also to take in that lingering hint of Richie mingled in the sheets. 

He could hear quiet voices carrying from downstairs; recognized Bev’s laugh when it burst to life somewhere below. Eddie listened, made no real attempt to hear what was being said, just wanting to take in the familiarity of their voices. He sighed as he accepted that he needed to get up. He likely wouldn’t manage to get any sleep that night as it was with how long he’d napped. He slid out of the bed finally, carefully laid the sheets back out and smoothed them down in place all while taking in small details of the room. Little trinkets he recognized from when he was here before. Small little signifiers of what Richie’s life had been like over the years. 

A photo of Richie and his sister taken on a trip somewhere that Eddie didn’t recognize. Another that Eddie was almost certain was Richie with John Mulaney. He had an unexpected grouping of succulents on the windowsill that all looked like they were flourishing. A surfboard was propped up in the corner; Eddie strayed towards it to find it was painted like a watermelon. The side facing outward was the green rind and the other side when he looked had the red insides complete with seeds. 

It was a new board, Richie’s old one had been a simple wood design with the brand down one side. Eddie wondered what had happened to it or if Richie had just decided he wanted something new. They had gone to the beach a few times before, early in the morning before the sun was even up fully, and Eddie had sat watching Richie out on the waves. He wasn’t necessarily good at it but he could tell Richie had a lot of fun either way. He had promised Eddie he’d teach him; a promise that had never come to fruition given the fact that he’d left a few weeks after that. 

Maybe now Richie would have the chance to try and teach him. Eddie’s chest tightened a little at the thought as his mind tried to pick apart the risks. There could be sharks, he could fall off the board and get stuck underwater by a strong current, he could get pulled out further into the water by a current also, he could hit his head on some rocks hidden beneath the surface…

He took a deep breath and pushed all those rambling concerns away. Focused instead on the way Richie had described it to him one morning as they sat on the beach drinking coffee from a thermos after Richie had finally stumbled in off the water. 

_I don’t know, man, it’s quiet out there while you sit and wait; then suddenly it’s not cause you’re being carried by something unstoppable. I mean, it kicks my ass more times than not, but for a second it will feel like nothing can touch me._

It had made Eddie feel like there was so much to learn about Richie that he didn’t know yet. He knew it was true on a practical level; even with their memories back there was still so much time between them. The Losers Club had fallen back together like time hadn’t passed at all back in Derry but now that they had their lives ahead of them there was a lot to learn. 

Like Richie’s habit of subtly stating something honest. The soft but reassuring tone of voice he slipped into. Eddie had been fascinated that morning on the beach, in part, because the tone was the same one Richie had told him he was braver than he thought in the tours. The other part had been Richie himself. Hair wet and full of sand, salt visible on his skin when the sun hit it just right, the wetsuit he’d worn while surfing open to show a bit of his chest hair. He had seemed hesitant to take it off while they were still on the beach. Eddie had wanted to take it off of him but preferably back at the house. 

“And here I thought I’d have to wake you up like sleeping beauty. Instead, I find you staring at my melon.” Richie’s footsteps proceeded his voice as he came into the room and Eddie rolled his eyes. He felt Richie come up behind him, arms not quite moving around him as he waited for Eddie’s okay. He gave it to him happily, leaned back so that Richie almost had to wrap his arms around his waist to keep him from tilting too far. The moment they touched, he felt Richie’s lips press against the back of his neck and all that same desire was stirred up like silt being disturbed in still waters. 

“What happened to your old one?” Eddie let his hands move along Richie’s arms, tugged him just a little bit closer. 

“Ah...you’re not going to be happy about that one.” Richie sounded a bit hesitant as Eddie let his head lean back and rest on his shoulder. It gave him a slight view of Richie’s face but he noted a hint of embarrassment coloring his cheeks. 

“What did you do?” 

“Well, you know that little jetty that always had the really good waves but you said I shouldn’t get too close because it probably had life-threatening rocks hiding away beneath the waves?” 

Eddie turned to face him a little more and Richie was reluctant to meet his eyes. He had told him several times that the water probably churned that way because of something disturbing it. The other surfers had most avoided the area as well unless they were one of the talented one that clearly knew what they were doing. 

“Yeah, I remember, idiot. How many times did I tell you that it wasn’t worth it to go out there? I even told you I talked with that group of surfers who had tried it and they said they were experienced and didn’t suggest it. Why the fuck did you go out there? Were you hurt? You’re lucky you didn’t cut yourself on a rock and come back with some weird fucking bacteria that gave you gangrene.” 

Eddie looked Richie over as if he’d find some injury, he had missed earlier still remaining on him. Richie gave him an amused grin, the tip of his tongue caught between his teeth as he clearly tried not to laugh while he soothed his hands down Eddie’s back. 

“I appreciate the concern, Eds, but don’t worry. All I had were a few bruises and a lot of salt water in my lungs; that and I sadly broke my Morning Wood. I’m fine though and the Melon there is actually a lot more stable for me.” 

“I fucking hate that you called the surfboard that. I’m happy you broke it, you fucking moron.” Eddie flipped Richie off, relieved because Richie clearly was there and just fine, but his heart still raced. That didn’t help any when Richie leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the knuckle of his finger as he held it up in his face. Eddie just shook his head, tried to keep his thoughts from lingering too long on Richie’s lips, as he nudged the two of them apart. 

Richie let go easily, didn’t try to keep him there though he lingered close. His fingertip’s brushed against Eddie’s wrist; a gentle signal for him to not walk away. Eddie looked back and saw the soft frown of concern on his face as Richie waited for him to step back closer. He stayed where he was, still upset that Richie could have gotten himself hurt, still a bit hurt that he hadn’t told him about it before now. Eddie did a once over almost instinctively to scan for anything sign of visibly remaining injuries on him. Tried to hone in on a scar that hadn’t been there before or some sign that he was favoring one side of the other. 

“I was fine, Eds. I am fine. I promise. I saw the Tony Hawk of surfing make it look easy out there and got it in my head that I could do that too. I didn’t tell you cause you had all this shit going on and there was no reason to worry you for nothing.” Richie offered his hand in his direction and Eddie pursed his lips as he took it. He let himself be pulled back close as Richie spoke so that they were in each other’s space again. Their foreheads rested against each other lightly. Richie had rich specks of gold in his eyes when you were close; the warm earthy brown of them bespeckled so they held permanent embers of color. 

“Your board broke, Richie. It couldn’t have been nothing.” 

“My _Morning Wood_ got caught up in the rocks because I abandoned it to get myself away. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you; I should have. I Bella Swann’d it; I did something really stupid because my Edward wasn’t there to stop me.” 

“That…” Eddie stared at Richie for a long moment and could tell that he was trying to read his thoughts on this. “That is the worst fucking sentence I have ever heard come out of your damn mouth. Never saw that shit ever again.” 

“What? That I’m team Edward? Are you going to sparkle in the sun, Eds? You look pale enough for it. I know what you are, Eddie. Do you want to hear me say it?” 

“I don’t want to hear you say shit, Richie, why did you come in here to harass me?” Eddie gave Richie a look of annoyance for a long moment as he fought the impulse to laugh. To crack a smile at the lighthearted ribbing from Richie as they still stood close enough, he was certain they could meld together if they waited long enough. 

“Bev and I were thinking we could go out for dinner and then maybe take a walk down at the beach. After sunset is one of the best times to go; everyone except the stereotypical teens having their against regulations stereotypical bonfires sort of flee once the sun goes down. It will be fun. You can yell at them for having illegal fun!” 

Eddie gave a huff of laughter as he pulled away. If they were going to go out somewhere, he wanted to change. The clothes he’d been wearing in the car had been bad enough when they got here; now that he’s slept in them there was no way they’d see the light of day again until they’d been washed. He moved to pick up his suitcase and set it on the bed to dig out something to wear as Richie moved to sit down on the edge of the bed near him. 

“Are you just going to sit there and watch me change?” Eddie pulled out some swim shorts, figured it was better to be prepared if they were going to the beach. Richie couldn’t help but splash. He grabbed a little hoodie as well; something that wouldn’t be too warm but that had a way for him to hide the scar on his cheek if he wanted to. He still got self-conscious about it; it still ached sometimes. Just like the large jagged scar on his chest would wake him with a flash of pain in the middle of the night from time to time. 

“I have to see the glitter, Edward. How else will I know I’m right about you being a... _vampire?_ ” Richie put on a breathy voice as he said this; stared at him with wide eyes. Eddie shook his head, pulled out one of his dirty shirts from the right side of his suitcase and threw it at Richie’s head. 

*

Richie had sat there as he changed; had played up his act of dutifully closing his eyes as Eddie got undressed. He felt unexpectedly shy, had been glad for the over exaggeration on Richie’s part when he’d changed shirts. 

Richie had seen the scar, of course, but it had changed some since he’d last seen it. It had still been pink and a bit soft and tender when he’d been staying here before. Now the scar tissue was tighter, still a soft pink but it had started to border on white. It had pulled taunt as well, the excess collagen raised in some spots while dipping inward in others. He hated it and he was nervous that Richie would feel the same way. A blemish and a reminder of what they’d gone through carved into his flesh. 

They had all gone out once he was set; the three of them walking down the street together towards a taco place that Richie heavily recommended that wasn’t far from the beach. A few people obviously recognized Richie as they walked but most of them simply stared or waved tactfully as if aware it’d be rude to draw attention. 

The taco place ended up being street tacos though there was a small sitting area off to the side where they set up shop. They ordered an array of tacos and some margaritas that came in mason jars and crowded into one of the tables that looked out over the beach. The sun was getting low, painted the sky pinks and reds in bright contrast that bounced off the waves of water. Eddie and Richie sat beside each other as Bev sat across where the soft colors highlighted her hair. 

To Eddie, she looked like the embodiment of joy just then. She’d worn a pair of jean shorts and a tank top with a sheer loose blouse over it. She had one of those big floppy hats on and a wide pair of sunglasses that had softly tinted lenses so you could still see her eyes through them. It had been a change over the months, the slow settling in of her feeling comfortable in her own skin. Dressing for herself as the old bruises faded and no longer were at risk of being replaced. He knew she still struggled; had seen it several times on their drive and over his time living with her and Ben. A habitual flinch if someone moved too close, too fast. A tendency to quiet herself if a voice was raised even if it was in the distance and unrelated to her. 

She caught him watching her and gave him a wide smile and a wink. Eddie smiled back, hoped they could both get to a point where the things in the past didn’t haunt them so closely. 

“Is there anything you’d like to see while you’re here, Ringwald?” Richie managed to not talk when his mouth was full though he immediately took a large bite of one of the tacos after he’d said it. Bev gave a small shrug, nursed the remnants of her margarita a little longer as she looked out at the sun as some of those pinks and reds were replaced with purples and the dark blanket of black-blue that crept across the sky. 

“I’ve seen most of the tourist stuff in the past, I think. We came out here a few times for shows or fittings for red carpet events. I wouldn’t mind just spending time with you two before I make the drive back home.” 

“Well, you haven’t seen them with me as your tour guide yet. The Santa Monica Pier is always a big hit. Have you been to the observatory? The Getty Center? I can even show you where the stars live, dah-ling.” Richie put on a haughty tone at the ends that made Bev laugh. Eddie rolled his eyes a little as Richie’s arm settled over his shoulders after one particularly dramatic gesture. He hesitated for a moment before leaning into him; settled against his side and once more marveling at his solid presence.

He felt a soft pressure on the top of his head as Richie held him close and pressed a kiss to his hair. Eddie scowled slightly, brushing a hand over the spot to make sure he hadn’t just deposited taco sauce to the spot and heard Richie’s soft chuckle. 

“I will give you that I’ve not been to the observatory or the Getty Center. They weren’t really…” Bev trailed off a bit but they knew what she meant. They hadn’t been Tom’s interests and so Bev hadn’t really been able to go and enjoy them herself. 

“Well, how about we hit those tomorrow? I’ll be the best tour guide you’ve ever had. I know all that astronomy shit and I can fake being an art critic really well.” Richie leaned, took Eddie with him as he moved to gently pat Bev’s hand. She turned her palm up as he did and they gripped each other tightly for a few moments. Richie’s hand practically engulfed hers and even once they’d let go, they both kept their hands close together. Open invitations for comfort and connection. 

“That sounds great. I can hear you make-up shit about the sky,” Bev responded with a teasing grin. 

“Excuse me, I know a lot more about stars than you might think.” 

“We’re not talking about celebrity stars, Rich, they don’t use the observatory to look at the lifestyles of the rich and the famous. It’s for seeing those twinkling things in the sky that you probably haven’t seen in years because this place is full of every form of pollution imaginable.” 

Eddie motioned upwards towards the sky that was growing further and further into nighttime. There really weren’t stars visible above with the exception of one that Eddie wasn’t convinced wasn’t just a plane far enough away it appeared unmoving. 

“Wait, you mean, I can’t use that giant telescope to sneak peeks at Oscar Issacs?” Richie sounded truly offended at this prospect as he pulled back from Eddie just long enough to give him an incredulous look. “I think you two have forgotten that I was a literal genius in school who helped all you idiots with your classwork half the time.” 

“Oh, fuck you. ‘Genius’ is a fucking exaggeration,” Eddie said pointedly with a laugh. Richie had never had the focus to work on his homework. He’d found it boring and it made him restless to have to sit and try and pick his way through it even though he could have been done with it quickly. Helping them had been a bit different; the act of having to talk them through things and show them how to solve the problems seemed to help. Not just sitting in silence and doing it on his own but interacting and joking. 

When they had all realized this early on in high school, they’d all started asking for help in rotations. Richie had been threatened with being held back and it had been a blow to him; being told he wasn’t smart enough because none of the teachers in Derry bothered to realized that wasn’t the case. So, they had all joined together without a word to ask him for help so that they’d get their work done together. Richie had gone from failing to getting A’s and B’s. It was such a change he’d been accused of cheating because he couldn’t have possibly turned things around the quick. 

Richie had shown them by listing off the answers to a test being read off to him at a rapid speed. The teacher who had tried to call him out for it had been pissed beyond belief but didn’t have much to stand on at that point. 

“People just don’t believe I can be so intelligent and so beautiful at the same time. It’s a fucking shame,” Richie said with a sigh as he lifted his hand to ruffle Eddie’s hair. Eddie squirmed away with a complaint that turned into a laugh as Richie pinched his cheek affectionately. 

“Alright, you two idiots. I’m out of margarita and Richie just ate the last taco we had. Should we go and enjoy the beach?” Bev laughed as she shifted to stand up; picked up her empty glass as Richie chugged what was left in the bottom of his. They cleaned up the table they’d been at; returned the baskets and mason jars to the man behind the counter of the little street taco shack. 

Eddie felt content; it was a feeling that wasn’t overly familiar to him. He allowed himself to bask in it some as they headed out onto the sand; trickles of people still out walking but hardly the crowds he knew could be expected during the daylight hours. They flanked Bev as they walked, her arms hooked with theirs as they made their way down closer to the water. She rested her head on his shoulder as they walked; kept them both close to her. 

They went far enough down that they slipped out of their shoes and sandals so they could let the waves wash over their feet. The water was still warm with the heat of the day and they simply stood for a long time. The three of them staring out at the ocean together as the large remaining dredges of sunlight faded away into true night. It felt like something they had done before; like a balm to old memories pulled out from the overgrowth of a forest floor. The vines still cling to the sides but oxidized metal crumbling free. 

He slipped his arm around Bev’s waist; felt the warmth of Richie’s arm as he did the same. Their heads rested against each other, the sand cool and the water warm and for a moment a breath was held. Eddie wished all of them could be there. They hadn’t been together since they’d finally split up after Derry and it felt like a continuous ache. At least they knew now. They remembered and they called. There had been talk of the seven of them all meeting up in a few months; meeting up on the anniversary of them finally destroying the monster from their childhoods. 

“It doesn’t always feel real when you’re on your own, ya know?” Richie spoke up; his voice kept low so that anyone wandering past wouldn’t hear him over the waves. Eddie lifted his head to look at him and found him still staring out at the horizon. “All of it. It. That you guys are back and that we managed to get rid of it all. It feels like two lives; hell, three lives that we’ve all lived.” 

“You getting awful deep over there, Tozier,” Bev said lightly though Eddie felt her pull them both a little closer. He found the edge of Richie’s shirt, pinched it with his fingers to make contact and let him know he was there. That he understood. 

“Sorry, sorry. Should have told you both to bring your waders,” Richie joked softly. Eddie felt a caress against his side; the touch of Richie doing the same and providing warmth and comfort. 

“At least the third time’s a charm, huh?” Eddie said as Richie met his eyes. A smile broke on Richie’s face; a shy sort of smile that made Eddie’s heart beat a little faster. There was a well of affection that Eddie hadn’t even known existed inside of him but its depths seemed infinite when it came to Richie. 

“Yeah, third time’s a charm.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you haven't notice; I'm not always great with chapter summaries. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and comments are always appreciated <3


	4. Measure the worth of a turmoiled heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their time with Bev passes quickly as they spend their last day together. Once she's gone, Eddie finds his emotions in turmoil as it settles in on him that it's just the two of them now.   
> A new start means the unknown but he'd going to do his best to trust Richie to not let him fall.

The last two days had been a whirlwind of activity that hadn’t left Eddie much time to think. Richie had taken them around to various tourist destinations and acted as the least reliable guide for them. This had included them driving through neighborhoods where the houses were larger than the entire town of Derry and large gates blocked every drive. Eddie suspected that Richie made up half of the inhabitants though there was a look on his face when he explained how he’d egged Kevin Hart’s house once that seemed to lend some truth to the story. 

They had ended the day at the observatory that was busier than Eddie could have predicted. The place had been amazing but they’d been approached several times while there by people who recognized Richie or Bev. They both dealt with it with easy smiles and polite attitudes but it put Eddie on edge. Made him too aware of people watching them, irritated that their time together was going interrupted as if they weren’t possibly there to see the exhibits themselves. 

In the end, he had eventually wandered off on his own when Richie was caught up in talking to someone and Bev had stepped into the bathroom. He found a spot that wasn’t as crowded and sat on a bench tucked back into the shadows. He knew this was a part of it but it wasn’t something Eddie thought he’d get used to anytime soon. 

At least it hadn’t been the paparazzi. 

He knew that they’d planned more outings for today but instead they’d stayed in. Just as he knew that that decision had been made on his behalf. They had wandered down the beach about midday and he sat on a spread out beach towel now. His skin was speckled with salt from water that had dried on him when he’d walked back up here to take a break from supervising Richie’s attempts at teaching Bev how to surf. The shirt he had insisted on wearing was still damp and cool around him; his scar felt like a seam stitched into his skin and pulled too tight. 

“Richie, this isn’t teaching me anything. Just let me get out in the water.” Bev laughed as Richie once more told her to try and stand up on the board that was resting in the sand near the waves. 

“Fine, Ringwald, let’s get in the water so you can fall on our ass.” They were both laughing, sun-kissed and sand caked from their lesson. Bev jumped off the surfboard and hefted it up out of the sand to carry it down to the water. The second Richie had waded deep enough into the water to do so, he submerged himself only to come up splashing water at Bev. Eddie must have caught his eye for a moment because he smiled and waved for him to come back down. 

He sighed as he smiled back at him. Pressed a hand for a moment against his scar to try and massage some of that tightness away before pushing himself up. He did a scan to make sure their stuff was still safely stored away in the way that was least likely to be snatched easily. Richie assured him that no one would steal their stuff but Eddie was still a bit dubious on that fact. 

The two of them already had the surfboard set up in the water and Bev easily managed to get up onto it to lie down. Richie purposefully wobbled it and got himself cursed out as she splashed water at him that hit Eddie instead. 

“Sorry Eddie.” She smiled at him apologetically as he tried to side step to avoid the worst of it. 

“It’s fine; I should have known better than to be in the splash zone. Richie deserves it.” 

“Hey now; that’s hardly fair.” Richie reached between them and caught Eddie’s hand; held it so it was beneath the water where no one else could see. It was a small thing but Eddie was grateful for it. That was one thing he knew he was going to struggle with; affection out in the open. All he wanted to do was be close to Richie but it was a completely different story when they had eyes on them. 

“I think I can do it, Richie. Should I paddle out and give it a try?” Bev rested her chin in her hands as she laid on the surfboard letting the water rock her gently. 

“You can go ahead and try but given you’ve been my worst student ever, I doubt you’ll stand for long,” Richie said as he gave the board a gentle shove. Bev grinned at him before shifting to paddle a little further out where there was some small wave likely just big enough to try and ride. Eddie bit his tongue to keep from reminding her of the dangers that might lurk beneath the water. Shallow water, rocks, coral, sharks, sting rays, flesh-eating bacteria (though that was more in the Gulf). All the reasons he’d heard before that justified the beach being somewhere dirty and dangerous to be. Made worse by attempting some foolish activity like surfing. 

“I appreciate it, by the way.” Richie gave a soft tug on their conjoined hands to pull him just a little closer. Eddie looked up at him with a confused look wondering what he had done. 

“Appreciate what?” 

“You wearing that shirt so that I don’t feel self-conscious about how not hot I am compared to you.” Richie gave him a small grin as Eddie rolled his eyes. Wondered if Richie would really think he was hot if he walked around with the scar out for everyone to stare at. 

“Can’t help it if those fucking goggles make you look like the biggest nerd ever.” He reached up to gently snap the band that held the prescription surf goggles on Richie’s face. He’d been wearing them despite not being in the water in anticipation of it. The lenses were tinted like sunglasses but he could still make out Richie’s eyes behind them. 

“Insulting my sunglasses is going entirely too far, Spaghetti, these are the hottest thing on my body right now.” Richie’s fingers brushed against Eddie’s wrist as he let go of his hand, toyed up along his arm for a few seconds as he stepped a little closer. He almost wanted Richie to kiss him; fuck who might see or snap photos or do whatever. “Hey, if no one could see us right now would you be okay if I kissed you?” 

“Not if you really think those glasses are the hottest thing on you, asshole.” Eddie felt a small flush of want rush through him. He hoped that it wasn’t just some hypothetical but a promise for later. He did wonder what it would be like right then; salt on their lips. 

“Okay, they’re horrendous, how about now, jackass?” Richie gave a huff of laughter, sounded a little incredulous as he glanced out to check on Bev for just a second. She was sitting on the board now; waiting for a wave that seemed to have potential. How she would be able to tell was beyond Eddie. He’d never been able to determine what made a ‘good wave’ because the ones Richie swore were the best always looked the most chaotic to him. 

“Yeah, I guess now that you’ve admitted how stupid those things look, I’d be happy to kiss you if no one could see us.” 

“Take a deep breath.” Richie’s hand had trailed further upward on his arm in a way that left a chill along the path it’d taken. 

“Wait-” Eddie picked up on what was about to happen too late but managed to grab a gasp of air as Richie dunked him. Their legs tangled beneath the water so they both dropped down below the surface as Richie pulled him in close and pressed their lips tightly together. Eddie didn’t react at first with the shock of being submerged but then he pressed back into the kiss. It tasted of pure salt, was messy and awkward and perfect. 

They held onto each other until Eddie finally pulled back as he felt his chest tighten with the lack of air. Cursed his limited lung capacity as he pushed up to the surface with Richie following after him. Eddie had to gasp in two large breaths once he got his footing again but managed to sweep a small wall of water at Richie with his arm when he appeared beside him. 

“You are a fucking dick, dude,” Eddie coughed out once he had his breath again. Richie laughed and tried to avoid the second splash he tried to send his way. Eddie swam after him, knew that Richie was letting him catch up and this time they both got a deep breath in before Eddie dunked them both beneath the surface once more. 

They crashed into each other this time; chests pressed against each other as Richie pulled him all the way down to the sandy bottom. For a short while, Eddie felt carefree. Felt elated as if the ocean water had rinsed away all those anxieties. No one could see them, it felt like they were suspended in gravity and all he could focus on was the feel of Richie’s lips against his and the taste of salt. 

And then the taste of salt got a little too intense as he accidentally breathed in and water managed to surge into his mouth even with it slotted against Richie’s. They both spluttered, gripped each other as they pushed back up to the surface to come out of the water coughing and taking gasps for air. 

“That was your fault,” Richie managed to choke out between coughs. Laughter was already leaking through in his voice despite the water that was likely in his lungs. 

“My fault? You’re the asshole who started it.” Eddie pushed Richie weakly as he worked on getting his own lungs functioning again. His chest was on fire but he couldn’t find much regret for getting that chance to kiss Richie beneath the waves. “Do you know how much bacteria we probably just inhaled?” 

“No but I imagine you can tell me.” Richie gave him a teasing grin and Eddie could recognize something more beneath it. Something that told him that Richie understood that if he pushed them under once more neither of them would resurface. Would drown themselves for that moment of intimacy. 

“Are you two done fucking around up there?” Bev’s voice carried over the waves, soft and cajoling as she sat on the board. She still hadn’t gone and Eddie wondered if she’d stayed out there to give them their privacy. 

“Well, we got bored of waiting around for you to try and catch a damn wave, Marsh! Have you decided you’re too scared to try?” Richie cupped his hands around his mouth as he shouted back at her. Made certain he was heard and Bev raised both of her hands in the air; middle fingers proudly on display. Just like gravity seemed to lay itself back across his shoulders, Eddie felt that hint of anxiety trying to settle in once more as well as he watched her adjust on the board. 

Bev waited a few moments until a decent looking wave started her way and then began to paddle. As they watched, she managed to get the board moving along with the wave and shifted upwards. Bev managed to stand, even managed to ride the wave as Richie broke out in cheers for her until she finally lost her balance and fell into the water laughing. 

Eddie started swimming out towards her immediately with Richie following behind a little less urgently. Bev popped back up not too far away from him, still laughing and grinning like she’d just won a marathon, easing his mind on whether she’d been hurt or not. The board had drifted away since she hadn’t worn the ankle strap and Richie had diverted off to the side some to keep it from getting too far out on its own. 

“I told you I could fucking do it!” 

“That was hardly a wave! You stayed on there for, like, a fucking minute,” Richie yelled back at Bev though he looked at her with obvious pride. 

“You alright?” Eddie asked to ease his mind and Bev gave him a sweet smile. Swam to meet him the rest of the way and pressed a kiss against his forehead enthusiastically. 

“I’m amazing. You gotta try it some time, Eddie.” She hung off of him, arms over his shoulders as she let her forehead rest against his. Bev was a buzz with joy and adrenaline as Eddie laughed along with her; the sound of it almost addicting. 

“I don’t know about that. I think I’m good making sure you two idiots don’t hurt yourselves while trying to ride a piece of wood over the waves.” Eddie gave her a doubtful look at the mere suggestion of him trying to surf. 

“Richie, you have to teach Eddie how to surf!” Bev rolled her eyes and called out to Richie as he paddled over to them. He had climbed onto the board himself and sat up to float next to them. 

“Thought you said I was a shit teacher.” 

“You’re a slow teacher. But, Eddie probably would appreciate the endless practice sessions of standing on a board that’s on completely level land.” Bev reached out to transfer herself over to hanging off the surfboard instead of him. Pulled him along to keep him close before she fully let go to rest her arms on the edge of the board. It made it tilt a little and Richie playful scowl. 

“I’m not sure I appreciate this conversation about how I’m slow?” Eddie shifted so he could rest his arms on the board opposite of Bev. It restored a little bit of balance but it also put them both in the perfect position to try and tip Richie over. 

“Not slow, my love, just less likely to decide to yeet yourself into the ocean to half drown yourself while trying. That’s more of Marsh’s and my style.” Richie reached down to ruffle his hair, sent water droplets flying as Eddie batted him away. 

“You said you were teaching me the way you learned.” Bev gave Richie an accusatory look, shook the board a little in the water to force him to hold on. 

“I did, partially. I took one lesson where we did that shit, got bored and then just took my surfboard out to try and fail on my own until I finally got it down. We can’t all be naturals right off the bat. Obviously since you only managed to ride a little baby wave.” 

Bev gave Eddie an offended look across the surfboard, the two of them not needing to speak to make the decision to force Richie back down into the water. Eddie pushed down, put all his weight on his side of the board as Bev shoved upward on her side. There was more resistance than he had expected but Richie flailed to catch his balance and that was enough to send the whole thing tipping. 

The board shot away from them as Richie fell into the water; luckily headed closer to shore than further out. Bev was already headed towards shore herself before Richie resurfaced and Eddie realized his mistake in not doing the same the moment Richie came back into view. 

Richie gave him a grin that said trouble; Eddie turned to start swimming before he got another dunk under the waves. Maybe he didn’t move as fast as he could have. He felt Richie’s arms catch him around the waist and lift him up with a surprising ease. Eddie was better prepared this time when Richie twisted so they both went crashing back into the water. There was no kiss this time but that hardly mattered. There was still an elation that he had only ever experienced with the Losers, with Richie. A happiness that went beyond simply being content. 

He surfaced a few seconds after Richie to find him swimming after Bev who was almost to shore. She had stopped to bring the board with her and it gave him the chance to catch up with her as Eddie took more time paddling his way in. Richie and Bev darted around as she tried to avoid him, the two of them lost in laughter as Eddie reached where the water was about waist high. Richie finally caught her though Bev had darted straight towards him that last time. 

Even in their rough-housing there was an obvious gentleness in the way Richie scooped her up. Eddie had to quickly sidestep out of the way as Richie hefted Bev up into his arms to bridal-carry her back to the water. Bev kicked her legs as she screamed between her laughter, no real fight given as her arms looped around Richie’s neck to hold on in return. As soon as Richie got deep enough he heaved her a couple times as warning before tossing her into the water besides him. Eddie complained as he got splashed, sent a retaliatory swipe of water in Richie’s direction even as he started to retreat once more. 

Bev came up laughing, pushing the hair out of her face as she looked around to find where Richie had gone. Eddie moved to walk with her as Richie stumbled up the beach to their towels to escape them. Bev’s arms draped around him, side-hugged him as they walked and Eddie patted her hand gently as he shifted so she could hop up onto his back. He piggy back carried her up into the sand; saved her feet from getting caked though by the looks of it Richie had already gotten their towels covered in grit. 

“You two idiots are cute together.” Bev’s arms were looped around his shoulders tightly; the two of them cheek to cheek as he watched Richie dig through the small cooler they had with them to grab them all something to drink. 

“Don’t tell him that, it will just go straight to his head.” Eddie felt her press a kiss to his cheek before she hopped off his back as they made it to the towels. Richie grinned as he held drinks out to them; the water was already starting to evaporate off him and the salt was once more clinging to his skin. Eddie thought briefly of the taste of it in his mouth, of Richie’s lips against his, as took the offered soda. 

“Richie, were you trying to bring the entire fucking beach with you?” Bev complained as she scooped up her towel to give it a shake to free it of the sand. Flicked it in Richie’s direction even as he tried to offer her the other drink. Richie easily managed to avoid the towel but sand still speckled him as it came free. 

Eddie eyed his own towel with frustration as even more sand was kicked up onto it. He knew there was no point in trying to shake it all free, the stuff would have worked its way into the fabric where it would stubbornly clean until it was run through the wash. 

His attention was pulled back as he heard Bev say something over the soft thud of the cooler closing again. Richie suddenly ducked behind Eddie in an attempt to shield himself; kept moving to Eddie between Bev and him as Eddie tried to step out of the way. 

“No, I don’t fucking want to be involved in this. You assholes keep this between the two of you,” Eddie said as he clocked the handful of ice Bev had grabbed from the cooler as she approached.

“There’s sand everywhere! What the fuck were you expecting, Ringwald?” Richie laughed in his ear even as Bev tried to side step around Eddie to get to him. He tried to duck to get out of the way but Richie stuck with him, moved to stay behind him with his hands resting on Eddie’s hips. 

“There is but most people make an attempt not to kick it up all over the place, Tozier. This is what you deserve.”

“You wouldn’t ice poor Spagheds just to get back at me, would you, Bev?” 

“You both realize you’re just kicking up even more sand, right?” Eddie tried to escape one more time as Bev gave him an apologetic look; she had gotten within inches of him in her attempt to slip the ice somewhere on Richie. 

“I’m sorry, Eddie.” Bev said it without any real remorse as she reached to drop the ice down his back before pulling them both into a big bear hug. Eddie let loose a string of curses as he felt the ice get trapped between him and Richie who didn’t help the situation by just bear hugging back so Eddie was stuck between them. 

“Ice actually feels kind of nice,” Richie said with maybe just a hint of suggestion in his voice. 

“Oh, fuck you,” Eddie tried to squirm enough to get it to slide down his back the rest of the way to fall into the sand. 

“I’m going to miss you morons.” Bev’s hold loosened just a little but not enough for him to duck free. Her voice had gone a bit more sentimental as she pouted a little at the thought of having to leave. Eddie sighed in defeat as he wrapped his arms around her in a hug too, hands tentatively resting on Richie’s wrists as they all held on despite the attention they were likely drawing to themselves. 

“We’re going to miss you too, Marsh.” 

“This would be a whole lot sentimental and meaningful if I didn’t have fucking ice cubes sitting on my goddamn spine right now.” 

*

They had let the sun dry them off given their towels had all become lost causes at that point. The sand was unavoidable and Eddie was certain they’d left a trail behind them leading from the beach to Richie’s place. They had gotten take out and spent the evening together; reminiscing and making plans for getting together again in the future. It felt like something final but Eddie knew it wasn’t. The seven of them weren’t going to let go of each other again. 

They had gotten Bev’s things loaded up in the dark. All of them had been reluctant to admit she was leaving even though she was clearly excited about getting back home. Getting back to Ben. She had a red eye flight she’d chosen specifically for the fact that it would arrive back in Oregon at the same time as Ben would be arriving from a short stint he’d taken up north to consult on a project. They’d be able to meet up at the airport and drive back home together. 

For his part, Eddie was looking forward to having Richie to himself though part of him wished that Bev wasn’t going so soon. With the knowledge that it’d be just the two of them came the fear of Richie realizing just how broken of a person he was. That he had become as the things Eddie had once known about himself had crumbled but no steady foundation had been rebuilt to take its place yet. 

Now, as they drove back from the airport with one less Loser in the car, Eddie knew this was the part where they’d be expected to all fall back into their lives. Into routine and starting fresh with who they were now after everything they’d faced. Everything they’d gotten back. The thing was that Eddie didn’t know what that would look like for him. He had lost every fiber of who he had thought he’d been before their memories came back. He’d been told who he was his entire life, told what he liked and how to act, and now he didn’t know himself. 

All he really did know was that he wanted to be the best he could for Richie. He needed to figure out the who of Eddie Kaspbrak for himself and he just hoped that it’d be someone who deserved what he knew Richie was offering. 

The inside of the car was dark other than the semi-regular dance of the streetlights as they passed them by. Richie’s hand had still found his; had still tentatively brushed fingertips across his skin before he held it out in an obvious offering. Eddie had taken it; had linked their fingers together in the darkness as Richie steered with one hand. He really wanted to deserve this. Eddie wanted to prove that he deserved this. 

Even something small like this felt like toeing a line that had been drawn in the sand for Eddie years ago. A flirtation with happiness that somehow made a part of him feel almost sick like he was breaking a cardinal rule. It felt ridiculous after earlier in the day and Eddie tried to focus on how it felt. Those stolen kisses beneath the waves; the salty water and sun on his shoulders. 

_Don’t forget to feel._

Those had been some of the last words Bev had said to him before she’d retreated into the airport. Had said them quietly to him as they hugged alongside the curbside drop off. That was what Eddie was trying to do; to let himself experience his emotions without shutting down to avoid them. It wasn’t the happiness of holding Richie’s hand he wanted to avoid but the guilt that settled in with it. Like it was a thing he hadn’t earned. 

In the darkness of the car, no one could see him holding onto Richie like he was a lifeline. Just like no one had seen them beneath the waves. The only ones who knew were the two of them and whatever cosmic force might be out there. Another thing Eddie didn’t know if he really believed in or if it was the hollowed out remains of what he ‘should’ believe. 

“I have a few more days before I have to worry about anything work related. I thought we could get your stuff unpacked and then maybe go shop a little? Find a few things you might want or need that we can put in the place.” Richie’s voice was quiet and low. Intimate in a way that felt like Eddie was intruding even though he was the one Richie was talking to. There was something more than just a question of if he wanted to go shop or not. 

“I’m sure you have everything at the place already…” Eddie answered with a hint of uncertainty. Didn’t know what Richie was truly trying to ask. There was a long stretch before Richie made any sort of response to this. A quiet that felt like screaming but Eddie couldn’t understand the words. He would be fine with just what Richie had; he didn’t need to provide more. He’d already done so much. 

“I hope I do.” Even this felt like something more. There was a small distance that had seemed to condense around the edges of Richie’s voice. Not anger, maybe not even sadness. Something that felt like disappointment but Eddie didn’t know what for. 

He tightened his hold on Richie’s hand, tried to express some sort of blind reassurance in the gesture. Eddie had the impulse to change his answer; to say they could do whatever it was that Richie wanted. To go buy whatever had been on his mind when he’d asked the question. 

“I mean, if you want to go shopping, Rich, we’ll do whatever you want.” Eddie hated the sound of the placating tone in his voice. Hated the frown that he could make out on Richie’s face as if he’d done something wrong. Eddie let go of his hand, assumed that Richie would want to pull away from him for whatever mistake he’d made, and saw that even this was a potential misstep as Richie slowly put his hand back on the steering wheel. 

“Why don’t we see how we both feel in the morning?” Richie put on a smile and Eddie just nodded a little numbly. Wondered if it was already happening now that Bev’s presence was gone. If Richie was already seeing the cracks and wondering what he’d gotten himself into. 

Eddie’s hand felt cold. He wanted to hold Richie’s again, wished he hadn’t let go so easily in the first place, but now he had no idea how to get it back. Reaching over to try and take it while Richie was driving didn’t seem like the safest option. They were almost back to the house as it was; Richie taking a slow turn down the street where his porchlight shined brightly among the otherwise quiet houses. Eddie supposed it was his porchlight too; not just Richie’s house but theirs. 

He tried not to let thought have an asterisk hanging off of it. 

“Shit, I’m exhausted. Leave it to Bev to make us be up in the middle of the night just so she can get an airport handy in when she lands.” Richie got them parked out front and gave an exaggerated yawn as he unbuckled.

“You’re disgusting,” Eddie scowled at him as he moved to get out of the car too. 

“Please, like those two aren’t going to find the closest secluded corner the second they get together. Ben’s going to be lucky to get off the plane before Bev pounces,” Richie waggled his eyebrows at him as he popped his door open and the interior light flooded on. 

“You really are a dick, you know that. I’m telling Bev you said that.” Eddie climbed out of the car on his side and watched as Richie scrambled out after him so he could meet him at the front. The headlights still shone around them as Richie gave him a teasing look before he tossed his arm around his shoulders. Eddie batted at him half-heartedly, made no honest attempt to get away as they walked up to the front door. 

The headlights automatically turned off leaving them with just the light of the front porch as they moved up the short wooden steps. The boards creaked under their feet and announced their presence to the empty halls inside. Eddie wondered if he’d get used to the sound of them; if he’d know when Richie got home by the sound of those floorboards. 

“Go ahead and tell her. I’ll deny it and she’ll think you’re the one with the dirty mind.” Richie fumbled one-handed with his keys in an attempt to single out the house key. Eddie watched him struggle, wondered what the hell Richie needed ten different keychains for when he only seemed to carry about six keys. 

“Like hell she’d believe that. Give me the fucking keys already. We’re never going to get inside with you screwing around with them.” 

“I’ve got it, just give me a fucking minute. They’re all tangled in each other.” 

“Well, I wonder fucking why with all that junk on there. Either give me the keys or use both hands.” Eddie reached to try and snatch them away from Richie the second he saw him move to raise his arm. He got ahold of one keychain but it slipped away as Richie lifted the keys as high up as he could. “Goddammit Richie.” 

“Strange how this seems counterproductive...is there a problem, Spageds? You seem to be struggling.” Richie’s arm stayed stubbornly around him even as Eddie tried to reach to grab the keys away from him. 

“Oh, fuck off,” Eddie scolded him, jumped a little to see if he could get the tail end of one of the keychains again. They stumbled a little in their struggle as Richie laughed, held onto him a bit tighter and Eddie seriously contemplated trying to climb him to get to the keys. For a few moments that became his entire goal; get the keys from Richie so that they could get inside sometime this year. “Fucking sasquatch, just open the damn door.” 

“That’s rich coming from a leprechaun.” Richie lowered his arm a little as he laughed and Eddie too the opportunity to lunge up to get the keys. He felt himself get a hold of Richie’s wrist, pulled it down further as they stumbled a bit again. Eddie’s back hit the door as he finally got the keys from Richie with a triumphant laugh. 

Eddie worked on untangling the keys, his back still against the front door and Richie leaning close over him. The longer it took him to get the mess of keychains undone the more aware he became of how close Richie was. He glanced up and found Richie watching him, too openly adoring to not make Eddie’s heart skip a nervous beat. 

“See, not so easy.” Richie leaned down a bit further, their foreheads almost touching as they worked together to figure out what the hell had happened with the mess. 

“If you hadn’t fucked around and made it worse than it wouldn’t be such a pain in the ass.” Eddie noted some of the keychains; most seemed to be from comedy clubs, one was a red and white sneaker and a flat circular keychain with writing on it that caught his attention. 

Eddie paused for a moment to read what it said; _I fucking survived_ was written on one side and he flipped it over to the other side to see a semi-colon stamped with a toll-free number printed beneath it. Richie’s hands had stopped for just a moment before he suddenly untangled the last of the keys with a skilled flourish. 

“Tada!”

“Were you taking forever on purpose, you asshole?” Eddie hugged the keys close to his chest when Richie tried to take them. He slipped them behind his back, hid them away for a second as Richie tried to reach around him to get them back. With his free arm, Eddie hugged Richie closer to him. 

Richie slumped into the hug after a moment, his arms grabbed Eddie up tight as he seemed to surround him. Eddie felt him press a kiss to the top of his head as they stood still and silent for what felt like a long stretch of time. There would be small reminders like this; reminders that brought up that large chunk of their lives they’d spent apart. There had been a consensus among the Losers; an agreement that they’d all felt things had been missing before. That none of them had been truly happy. 

Eddie didn’t like seeing that reminder. The reminder that they all had scars one way or another even if they weren’t as visible. Even he couldn’t deny that there had been times where the thought of taking the metaphorical rope that had been tightening around his neck for years and turning it into a literal one. Had thought of places that Myra wouldn’t find him immediately if she came home; he wouldn’t have wanted to give her time to resuscitate him. The closet had, in a dark sort of irony, been his top choice. 

The closet he’d seen behind a door once labeled ‘Very Scary’.

“Now who’s taking forever?” Richie murmured the words, voice soft as Eddie felt him coax the keys out of his hands. Richie got the door unlocked quickly this time even with the two of them pressed so close. The swung open behind him and Eddie startled a little at the loss of support but Richie steadied him; awkwardly walked them forward into the house without letting go. 

The front entry was the only room with a light left on; the light a soft glow above them as the rest of the house stood still and quiet. It felt dark and inky and intimate for the moments before Richie decided to half-heartedly toss the keys towards the side table. They hit the front of it and went scattering onto the floor in a clatter that they both winced at. 

“That was supposed to be smoother than that,” Richie said with a half apology in his voice. 

“Like you have a smooth fucking bone in your body.”

“I mean...I’ve not seen it but if you wanted to give me one I wouldn’t complain.” Richie grinned at him and waggled his eyebrows up and down. Eddie wanted to laugh but bit it back as he gave Richie a soft shove away from him. Broke their closeness some as he gave him the finger. 

“You’re disgusting and that doesn’t even make sense. What cocks have you been looking at that are completely smooth?” 

“What cocks have _you_ been looking at?” Richie deflected the question back at him like they were still in grade school. Eddie couldn’t help the roll of his eyes as he worked on kicking his shoes off at the entrance. It was something of a habit for him and Richie had already teased him for it earlier. There was no reason to leave your shoes on in the house though and Eddie preferred padding around in socks. 

“One that you’re not going to be seeing anytime soon.” Eddie gave Richie a serious look even as he felt a small heat settle like a lump in his gut. He watched as Richie moved to almost shadow him; to kick his shoes off near the side table as if he’d been asked to. 

“Ouch, Eds, you’re breaking my heart, you cock tease.” Richie chuckled as he almost fell over himself as he failed to get his boot to come off as easily as Eddie had shucked off his own. 

Something shifted inside of him, something that made Eddie feel suddenly small and dreadful. A stone of guilt; a sense that he was withholding something expected or even owed with his request for them to move a little slower. Richie hadn’t meant it like that, he knew that rationally, that it had been a joke. One that had even been easy to see coming given the flow of their conversation leading up to it. 

“It’s fucking late. We should get some rest.” Eddie heard his own frustration come through in his voice. It was at his own rollercoaster of emotions in the small amount of time since they’d gotten Bev dropped off. It felt like all the nerves he’d managed to tamp down were choosing to rise up out of him. It might have been fatigue; might have been the small sense of loss that Bev leaving had left behind. 

“Hey.” Richie’s voice had a gentler tone to it as he finally got both his boots off so they fell in disarray besides Eddie’s carefully tucked pair of sneakers. He didn’t move closer but instead held his hand out to Eddie like he wanted him to choose if they made the small connection. It was clear that he wasn’t the only one who had noticed the sudden shift in his tone. 

“What?” Eddie said the word like a sigh, stood for a moment before taking Richie’s offered hand. It wasn’t fair, Eddie wasn’t being fair, this was Richie and not Myra. This was supposed to be their new start yet here he was feeling old bruises beneath the surface. Tender spots that made him shy away. 

“I love you.” 

“Why?” The question came out of him without a thought and Eddie felt instantly disappointed with himself. Felt like he was asking too much to even expect Richie to give him a single reason. 

“Well…” Richie seemed to stop to think for a moment; pulled Eddie gently into him and put his other arm around his waist so they stood like they were dancing. He started them swaying, back and forth to some silent music. “You’re funny, you keep me on my toes, you’re hot as hell and cute to boot. You’re brave, caring, smart and far too good for me though for some reason you put up with me.” 

“I’m not too good for you…” Eddie rested his head on Richie’s shoulder; let himself be led in their dance as he tried to ease those feelings of inadequacy. “I love you too.”

“Aw, you love me, Spaghetti head?” Eddie startled as he felt Richie hook their right legs together and push him back into a dip. A string of curses tumbled out of him as he held onto him tightly; terrified that Richie would drop him or lose balance as he held him there. 

“Not if you fucking drop me, I won’t,” Eddie huffed, found himself laughing as Richie yanked him back to his feet. He almost over corrected and they had to hold on to each other desperately until they could get steady. “Asshole.” 

“Hey, I didn’t drop you,” Richie said like he was making some grand point. Eddie glared at him for a moment and then leaned up to press a chaste kiss against his jaw. Pulled away but didn’t let go of Richie’s hand as he tugged them towards the stairs. He was tired, his emotions were on edge but Richie hadn’t dropped him. 

Eddie was going to do his best to trust that would continue to be true no matter how many times they might stumble. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys; updates have been slow and I apologize. There's a lot going on right now.   
> Thank you for taking the time to read even with the delays and comments are deeply appreciated. I'm sorry I'm not able to always get to them all <3

**Author's Note:**

> This is a thing I've been working on for a while. It's more melancholy and I'm not entirely convinced it makes sense. It's also a lot of projecting onto Eddie for me in my own search to figure a lot of things out. Future chapters will be a bit more comfort based but there will still be mentioned of the emotional and physical manipulations and abuse from Myra as he works through overcoming some of his learned behaviors.


End file.
